My old friend ? I think not, granted some days are darker than others, some brighter too. When the darkness enters it lingers deep into my soul, I try to pull myself to the surface to get a grip on my reality but it usually drags me back down into the deep abyss, those days are my downfall, my deep depression. June, a month i used to love, marriages, anniverseries, birthdays, graduations, beginning of summer, school break and so many more special occasions, not for me anymore. My June brings in my old nemisis of darkness, many dark days for me my beloved hubby's birthday, our wedding anniversary this one would have been our 50th we were suppose to celebrate it being on a cruise to Alaska or vacationing in Ireland, we never got to make that final decision together and now some will say "Well you go on your own " I think not how can I celebrate such a special occasion without him ? You all know who would accompany me on that journey - my old friend of course !! Then of course June 29th a day that will be etched in my mind a day that will live in infamy until the end of my days - his journey here on earth ended, my darkest and worst day of my life ! He will be gone from me for 3 years this June, physically but never in my heart and mind those feelings and emotions will also be with me for eternity.
They say it gets better with time, granted some days are better than others, I will be having an extremely good day and then "WHACK" it hits, it could be an old song, a memory, something on TV, anything could trigger that " friend " to make a visit to ruin my good day. I have tried to train myself to ignore this friend and somedays it does work my best weapon is telling myself " THIS TOO SHALL PASS " and sometimes a good cry helps me to ward off this unwanted friend. Then again I tell myself this is also grief still clenching and hanging onto me and that it is "OKAY" these feelings are normal and necessary for my well being. I do detest the days when I talk myself into getting out and just take a ride, a change of scenery, the smell of freshly mown grass as the windows are rolled down in the car but then my mind is telling me you can't run away from your feelings they will follow you be it one mile or 100 no matter where I go and that is oh so true !! In the long run though i do feel somewhat relieved another battle won for me. Only three more weeks left to this month of June, it will be a struggle for me but I will get thru this just as I have for the past 3 years. I thank God that I am blessed with such a wonderful family and good friends to help me along this path. I have met my new neighbor who is also a widow and we are becoming close which i so appreciate. I have also met a new male friend who is such a good and kind man and I am so grateful our paths have crossed, I have never really had a male friendship before it is new and different to me I can confide in him and express my feelings and he is very understanding and I look forward to our friendship becoming stronger. To all my fellow greivers out there I feel for you !! Just remember it is okay for you to scream, cry, get angry, have temper tantrums it is all legit at this time, this choice was not given to us but unfortunately it is something we have to accept " Hang in There " hold on for dear life and move on and most of all please remember " THIS TOO SHALL PASS " Ta-Ta for now my special Readers !! I Love and Miss You desperately my Sweet Man. "
