DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

                                                                                                                                                                                                I was woke up this morning by the smell of fresh coffee brewing  sounds of Al & Buckwheat goofing around in the kitchen, their idea of quiet and mine are two different things, Al usually knows if I get woke up out of a sound sleep I am pretty crabby for most of the day, as for Buckwheat he could care less.  "Can u guys play a little more quietly" I shout, usually I would hear "Uh-Oh  Buck we're in trouble again".  Then suddenly quietness,  too much quietness,  realizing it was only another dream, the smell of coffee was gone and so were they. After I retired Al would make coffee just about every morning, he did make some damn good coffee, he would always have my cup, spoon, creamer and pretend sugar packets waiting for me and the spoon was always set on a nicely folded paper napkin, on special occasions instead of a napkin there would be a heart shaped cut out napkin or paper towel with a "Happy Birthday" or " Happy Valentine's Day" and even a "Happy Mother's Day" always pointing out on that occasion even though your not my mother, such a kind and caring man was he !!  Damn! how i miss those mornings, now I have to tell myself I think that was his way of telling me to wake up and be with him to start a new day, crabby or not. Next month it will be a year since my love left me behind to face this so called life I now lead, this virus has made it a hell of a lot worse not being able to hug and talk to someone about my life. Sure there's other ways of communication which I use but it's not the same as being with someone, another kind of death? Another battle to fight and I am getting so weary of this as I think we all are. My son came to see me the day before Mother's Day, I have not seen him for two months due to the lockdown,  so good to see him but I could not hug or kiss him, hold him tight, give him a great big bear hug or as we call it in our family a Barr Hug, that was another heart breaking moment, he calls me daily but as I have said you need that comfort of hugs and kisses too.                                                                                                    I have been dealing with lots of nightmares and dreams since hubby's passing and they are all about him of course, most of them are of him being angry with me because he said he has been looking for me and I am not at our house anymore he just cannot find me, me asking him where he has been and him telling me he has been at the farm, me telling him that he died, him saying no he didn't he has been searching and trying to find me, me telling him I had to sell our home I could not take care of it on my own, me telling him come to the new house with me, him telling me he will never go there he will go back to the farm him telling me to come to the farm with him, me telling him no I would never do that  I never liked it there- a recurring dream or nightmare almost every night ----   me finally realizing we will never be together again ----                                                                                    Another nightmare I often have is me being so angry at him, reliving all the times during out marriage of out most awful fights and arguments me actually physically attacking him, hitting him, beating up on him during these dreams, me telling myself that is how I am handling my grief by being angry with him I can't miss him if  i just stay angry with him, I cannot do that either  otherwise how would our marriage have lasted for 48 years with me being angry all that time ?  How could I miss him and still cry over him, love him if I am angry with him ?   I am hoping a time will come soon that I can go back to having normal dreams  a time when I can dream of him and be happy with him in these dreams, we had plenty and many happy times while he was alive hopefully I can soon dream of those times again.  No more being angry and upset with each other  just happy together.     SOON !!                                                                                                                                                              Now when I wake up every morning the first two things I look at are his picture on the nightstand, me telling him "Good Morning My Love, I miss you !!  the other is an oil painting of our home that we shared for 30 years, when we first built the house, the budget was tight. one day there came a knock on the door and a young man had aerial photos of our home, now mind you this was way before everything was computer generated, he explained they flew over homes took photos brought them to the respective homes they took pictures of and had oil paintings made of these homes, of course just like your child's school photos we had to have one, the price- $300.00 for a 24X24 oil painting, to us at that time the price was outrageous but we thought we would have it for a lifetime, we took money out of our landscaping budget to purchase it and this is what I now see every morning hanging in my bedroom.  A good investment, a very good memory !! I then turn back to his picture and tell him about my dreams or nightmares  I argue with him, I yell at him all this while I am crying for him to take me in his arms and comfort me, then reality sets in and I tell him  "Time to face another day without you, what fresh hell awaits me today dear?"                                                                                         I have always been a bad sleeper due to nightmares there were times during my marriage where I would actually wake up crying and sobbing calling his name  he would always tell me "You're just having a nightmare honey, it's ok I'm here now, go back to sleep, it's ok"  always hugging me and comforting me till I fell back to sleep, I have been plagued with these night terrors again lately, the last one was rough I kept calling him and woke up realizing he cannot and will never  be there for me again,  another tearful and sleepless night for me.                                                                                        I do know the day will come- that night when bedtime comes- this time I will dream of the time we first met, how we fell in love with each other, discovering one another,  our dating times together how we planned on spending our lives together, forever, our hopes, our dreams, all the happy times during our young and foolish days together  such a good and wonderful dream but this time I will never wake up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing again.