MY ETERNAL TRAVELLER

              The day before the 4th of July, sweet Jesus I am having a really bad day today, this was your favorite holiday my love,  Oh the parties we would have to celebrate this day, so many guests, so much food, party favors, games, fishing, kids running under the sprinkler, and of course the best of all  "FIREWORKS"!!  Such a display you would have everyone enjoying your fireworks, I remember how you would set up this event a week prior to the big party, all the arranging you did, it all had to be just right and babe it sure was, All the work you and your friends would put into this endeavor and just like" Thanksgiving all that cooking for an hours pleasure " only for the 4th it did last most of the day, how you would pace yourself not to drink too much Stroh's all day due to the fact you had to be up and ready for the  " Really Big Show"  all the OOH"S & AH"s during the show even the patriotic music that you and our neighbor would synchronize was just the absolute best, Nah I take that back the absolute best was when you would yell out "FIRE IN THE HOLE" !!   When we had our very first party I wasn't too pleased, all the work that was involved and the cost of your display was overwhelming to me but seeing the joy it not only brought to you but to all who attended was well worth it. I remember how it took us 2 days to clean up to get back to normal, however after the display in the dark of night how Mrs. D  would get a crew out in the street to sweep it all up !!  Lady DI would get a clean up crew together too for kitchen clean up and a can would be passed around for donations for "next year" I guess there was no getting out of it after the can was passed around, it was our annual thing for several years !!  Now all I have are the memories of how we celebrated and the sadness of knowing there will be no more with you. I was invited to a party for the 4th but i just do not want to go without you by my side, I know I would not be good company to others but I do so appreciate the invite!  I just want to be alone tomorrow but I won't be because you will be in my thoughts the whole time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I decided to take a nap today all I did was cry into my pillow, finally falling asleep who comes to my dreams but you, you told me you are an eternal traveller now, going to visit all the sights and places you always wanted to go to and you said you had only just begun, you were keeping in mind the places I would like and when I joined you we would go on quite an adventure together but not yet, You said you were going to go tonite and tomorrow nite to see all the fireworks displays you could and you would be a weary traveller by day's end. I told you it's about time you got to sit back and enjoy the beautiful displays since you really couldn't with yours, you told me I was wrong that you got your enjoyment by giving to others. that's what I miss so much about you my love, how generous and giving you always were. You told me Bob and Cy and Ichabod were going with you for the holiday displays. I am jealous that I cannot accompany you but I want you to so ENJOY ! yourself.  So as for tonite and tomorrow nite I will look out my window and hopefully see some fireworks displays  I know I will surely hear them as I have for the past few weeks, I will think of  "the guys" on their travels and wonder if they will see at least some of the same fireworks as I do. Enjoy your holiday my love and my friends !!                                                                                                                                 I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

                                                                                                                                                                                                I was woke up this morning by the smell of fresh coffee brewing  sounds of Al & Buckwheat goofing around in the kitchen, their idea of quiet and mine are two different things, Al usually knows if I get woke up out of a sound sleep I am pretty crabby for most of the day, as for Buckwheat he could care less.  "Can u guys play a little more quietly" I shout, usually I would hear "Uh-Oh  Buck we're in trouble again".  Then suddenly quietness,  too much quietness,  realizing it was only another dream, the smell of coffee was gone and so were they. After I retired Al would make coffee just about every morning, he did make some damn good coffee, he would always have my cup, spoon, creamer and pretend sugar packets waiting for me and the spoon was always set on a nicely folded paper napkin, on special occasions instead of a napkin there would be a heart shaped cut out napkin or paper towel with a "Happy Birthday" or " Happy Valentine's Day" and even a "Happy Mother's Day" always pointing out on that occasion even though your not my mother, such a kind and caring man was he !!  Damn! how i miss those mornings, now I have to tell myself I think that was his way of telling me to wake up and be with him to start a new day, crabby or not. Next month it will be a year since my love left me behind to face this so called life I now lead, this virus has made it a hell of a lot worse not being able to hug and talk to someone about my life. Sure there's other ways of communication which I use but it's not the same as being with someone, another kind of death? Another battle to fight and I am getting so weary of this as I think we all are. My son came to see me the day before Mother's Day, I have not seen him for two months due to the lockdown,  so good to see him but I could not hug or kiss him, hold him tight, give him a great big bear hug or as we call it in our family a Barr Hug, that was another heart breaking moment, he calls me daily but as I have said you need that comfort of hugs and kisses too.                                                                                                    I have been dealing with lots of nightmares and dreams since hubby's passing and they are all about him of course, most of them are of him being angry with me because he said he has been looking for me and I am not at our house anymore he just cannot find me, me asking him where he has been and him telling me he has been at the farm, me telling him that he died, him saying no he didn't he has been searching and trying to find me, me telling him I had to sell our home I could not take care of it on my own, me telling him come to the new house with me, him telling me he will never go there he will go back to the farm him telling me to come to the farm with him, me telling him no I would never do that  I never liked it there- a recurring dream or nightmare almost every night ----   me finally realizing we will never be together again ----                                                                                    Another nightmare I often have is me being so angry at him, reliving all the times during out marriage of out most awful fights and arguments me actually physically attacking him, hitting him, beating up on him during these dreams, me telling myself that is how I am handling my grief by being angry with him I can't miss him if  i just stay angry with him, I cannot do that either  otherwise how would our marriage have lasted for 48 years with me being angry all that time ?  How could I miss him and still cry over him, love him if I am angry with him ?   I am hoping a time will come soon that I can go back to having normal dreams  a time when I can dream of him and be happy with him in these dreams, we had plenty and many happy times while he was alive hopefully I can soon dream of those times again.  No more being angry and upset with each other  just happy together.     SOON !!                                                                                                                                                              Now when I wake up every morning the first two things I look at are his picture on the nightstand, me telling him "Good Morning My Love, I miss you !!  the other is an oil painting of our home that we shared for 30 years, when we first built the house, the budget was tight. one day there came a knock on the door and a young man had aerial photos of our home, now mind you this was way before everything was computer generated, he explained they flew over homes took photos brought them to the respective homes they took pictures of and had oil paintings made of these homes, of course just like your child's school photos we had to have one, the price- $300.00 for a 24X24 oil painting, to us at that time the price was outrageous but we thought we would have it for a lifetime, we took money out of our landscaping budget to purchase it and this is what I now see every morning hanging in my bedroom.  A good investment, a very good memory !! I then turn back to his picture and tell him about my dreams or nightmares  I argue with him, I yell at him all this while I am crying for him to take me in his arms and comfort me, then reality sets in and I tell him  "Time to face another day without you, what fresh hell awaits me today dear?"                                                                                         I have always been a bad sleeper due to nightmares there were times during my marriage where I would actually wake up crying and sobbing calling his name  he would always tell me "You're just having a nightmare honey, it's ok I'm here now, go back to sleep, it's ok"  always hugging me and comforting me till I fell back to sleep, I have been plagued with these night terrors again lately, the last one was rough I kept calling him and woke up realizing he cannot and will never  be there for me again,  another tearful and sleepless night for me.                                                                                        I do know the day will come- that night when bedtime comes- this time I will dream of the time we first met, how we fell in love with each other, discovering one another,  our dating times together how we planned on spending our lives together, forever, our hopes, our dreams, all the happy times during our young and foolish days together  such a good and wonderful dream but this time I will never wake up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing again.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

A NEW LIFE - REBORN

                    Hello, It's been quite awhile since I have written a post, even thought about writing but today I had to, you will see why.  It has been 9 months today since you left me, so you know what that means ?  You are going to be reborn today, who knows it may have already happened or is yet to come but it will be today, you will begin this all over again only you will not remember me or your loved ones from your former life. We will forever mourn and miss you but you will never ever have a glimmer of us, how unfair is that ?   Is this the real thing, there's no escape from reality, open your mind and see (Queen)  that is what I will do today, open my mind to this new possibility. I woke up at 2am thinking about this new mind blowing reality? and knew I had to somehow try to get it from this weird and odd mind of mine to paper. So here I go again am I losing touch with reality, gone over the edge ?  who knows you can be the judge here.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Yeppers so here we go, on the day you died you were conceived in someone else's womb to grow for 9 months and today is the day, sure this new mom might have been told you were due a week ago, a few days ago maybe but you knew, now is the time for you to start anew, born again,  I wish I could be there to guide you along as I did in this life but you have to go it alone. I hope you have the same beautiful green eyes, that beautiful smile and that boisterous laugh you were blessed with when you were here with us.  I have heard it said when you "come back in your next life" that it will be better than your former one, I do know you will never find more love than you received from this life.  I hope you will be blessed with kind parents and not abused, I hope you find a happy childhood like you had here, I hope you are a loving and caring husband and father as you were here too, who knows what this new life will bring you,  Fame, Riches, Better Health, I do believe better health will be a top priority because of your rough go of it with this lifetime. I do know that I will never seek you out, look for you perhaps see a resemblance of you somewhere in this time, but I would not approach you, you see if  I thought it was you I could and would never go through that heartbreak again, so I will just go on with the rest of this life I have here on this earth in my time and remember you and love you till the end.  I still think somehow we will meet again and go thru eternity together but break away from each other too, as with death, we will be apart but only for awhile then we will be rejoined and reunited again I do believe this cycle will continue forever. Together, apart, together, apart  and on and on and on.....................                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So thats it folks, my way of thinking, odd or what?  Leave me some feedback on your perspective of your way of thinking, are you as weird and odd as me or is this our reality ? I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!