I keep asking myself this quite a lot on a daily basis now, where'd ya go Al? I could understand and accept the fact that if he left me he would have moved on, gone to live some where else, perhaps after some long hard thinking, pondering the decision he made he might perhaps come back to me, even not, at least I would know he was out there, perhaps if an emergency arose I could call him to help me out at least he would be reachable. Unfortunately with death that is not possible, but my mind still asks "Where'd ya go Al ?" Perhaps he went to heaven ? Yeah, okay, perhaps Hades, no not possible he was too good a man to wind up there, besides I myself don't believe hell exists we live it here on earth. Perhaps he is wandering in space, exploring other planets, dimensions or maybe he is still here but in another form or on a different plane that we as humans cannot see. I just want to know where the hell he is, after being side by side for over 50 years just POOF ! he is gone, in a flash, in a moments time, what fresh hell this feeling is. I know I have not as of yet felt his "presence" in our home nor around my person either, however I think his ever loving companion Buckwheat has, he sits in front of the barn door looking down the road waiting for his "daddy" to come home. When I open the overhead door on the barn it has a certain sound that would let us know it is being opened or closed and when the poor dog hears that he starts barking and wanting to go out to greet his "daddy" it is a sad thing to experience. Is this a part of the mourning, grieving process or is my sanity slowly slipping away from me, am I losing my grip on reality? I wish I could be given an answer, one that I can accept, one that I can live with. I see him in flashbacks all day, riding the lawnmower, opening the back door calling him in for dinner from his office in the garage, seeing him walking up the long driveway after going to retrieve the mail, seeing him sitting on the porch swing after dinner, waiting for me to join him on a peaceful summer evening, that's why I feel I can leave our humble abode without him by my side, I can take these memories with me I do not have to be here on this big property that i cannot handle alone to see him doing these things. These memories will make a new journey with me. I see him in my dreams but when I ask him "Where'd ya go Al?" he never answers me, perhaps he doesn't even know where he is and that is why he cannot give me the answer I so desperately need an answer to. I do understand that when a person dies their soul leaves their body, but I have always been under the impression that your soul is your body's energy, the confusion I have here is that energy never dies, after all matter is matter.
*Energy cannot be created or destroyed.
*Energy always existed and always will exist.
*Energy constantly changes form. Never stays still. Even a rock is made of moving particles if you use a microscope.
And about the human soul or spirit.
Since we're energy, we can never die." These last few sentences in parenthesis are something I read and copied. I still talk to him on a daily basis, upon awakening it's always " Good morning Al, how did u sleep?" I argue with him, reprimand him, tell him I love him, ask him at least a thousand questions a day, before bed I always wish him good night and say I love you, never an answer though, just like I am positive I will never get an answer to "Where'd ya go Al ?" I start my day out now with the thought I won't be seeing him in a physical form anymore, Sweet Jesus ! that is so hard to accept, it actually makes me ache and have physical pain, but then I think wait a minute it's actually getting one day closer for me to find him, day by day, week by week, month by month and pretty soon year by year my day will come to leave this earth and I will be able to seek and search for that " bundle of energy" that was once mine to share. When I finally do find him he just better have an answer to "Where'd ya go Al ?" and if he doesn't " OH BOY" after all "Hell hath no fury like a woman who gets no answers." I love and miss you desperately my sweet man. That is all for today my 'SPECIAL READERS'. TA-TA for now !
