THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME

                          Tuesday of last week was my first and I am definitely sure not my last roughest day so far. I woke up and decided to start to do some organizing in this chaotic abode, my first mistake was putting the Pandora station that we both liked on. Over the last few years I and hubby had picked out our favorite songs and made our own station to listen to, of course the first song was  "MORE" by Andy Williams (showing my age here) well along with the lyrics flowing throughout the house my tears joined right in. I could not stop crying remembering how we picked that song as ours, our first date was going to his cousins wedding, sneaking out early from that occasion to go to the drive-in. During the reception we were dancing to that song and we decided that would be "our" song and only ours. The song remains the same but I do not, something we enjoyed so much was now breaking my heart. Of course I could no longer listen to any music that day realizing all our other songs would be too mournful and sad for me to endure on that day. I continued to cry all that day which wore me out to do any type of organizing or as a matter of fact accomplishing anything that sad day.                                                    I compare this time of my life as sort of being Bi-Polar, One day I feel great and the next I am so down in the dumps I feel I can't drag myself out of it. Such a whirlwind of emotions overcomes  me at times, kind of frightening, I have always been the type of person that I have to be in control of my body, my emotions, feelings I could pretty much keep them in check, now, jeez, totally not doable, the crying that sometimes overcomes me no matter where I am, in the store, driving, watching tv, anywhere and everywhere. Seeing a friend or acquaintance that did not know of hubby's passing is a very trying situation also, of course i cannot tell them about his passing without tears rising. I know that eventually I will be able to listen to our songs again with a smile mixed in with those tears, thinking of where we were, what we were doing when a certain tune starts to play, after all as I have said the song remains the same and life will go on.                                                                                   Hubby was a custom woodworker, carpenter, sportsman, so many things he was, good at them all, over the years many things were collected on his behalf due to all these things he enjoyed. Our son decided to have a " Tool & Garage Sale" this weekend, sales to help curtail medical expenses. This is quite hard for me too, seeing a stranger take a tool, momento, anything away with them that was his saddens me, they are not only taking his keepsakes but also a piece of my heart along with them. I sit out here while all these strangers arrive however I cannot stay too long for it just hurts too much to see part of my life and part of my love leaving my household. Just another few hours left to endure this long weekend of pain.                                                                                                              It's just not fair that he is gone, he still had so much to accomplish, on his own and with me by his side, now it's gone, just gone. I guess the anger part of bereavement is starting for me now, I am so pissed about all this grief and unfairness that has entered my life, this is just not me, I have always said for the last 3 months a stranger overcame hubby, this was not the man I had known all those long years, wracked with pain, anger, confusion and fear, now its my turn for that stranger to overcome me, I now have all those same symptoms, his was his illness mine in my grief.                                             Day by agonizing day is how I must live my life now, they say it will get easier, yeah sure ok  whatever !!   I long to hear his laughter, such a boisterous laughter it was, annoying sometimes but I will never say that again, so many things i miss already in just the few short weeks it has been since he went away. Putting words to paper helps me somewhat and I will keep myself busy with things until I become bone-weary tired, just keeping myself busy with mundane things will help me also. That is all for today my   "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta for now !!                                                                           I will always love and miss you my "AL HONEY" !!