THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

            I am now finding it hard to listen to music, oh I hope this feeling passes soon, the only respite I have pretty much ever had was listening to music, I love most music, although I do not have a special place in my repertoire for jazz smooth or otherwise, to me it has always had a whining sound, just rubs me the wrong way. Some country music, even though I love bluegrass is not at the top of my list either, forget rap music, no use for that at all. My dad was a music lover too and he had a very nice voice for singing also, dad loved the blues and zydeco music he amassed quite a collection of cd's and tapes with this particular music on it. I can remember growing up with the sound of Irish music in the house, mostly on the weekends, dad loved that too, he use to tell us he grew up with Irish dancing in his household as a kid, company coming on Sunday's and how the furniture would be moved out of the living room so they could all have room to dance, I am pretty sure some alcohol was also involved in these gatherings of friends and family.  Mom on the other hand loved her Mario Lanza, her opera as she called it, I know her fav song has always been Ave Maria, I can also recall her mother's fav song was Greensleeves. Music an escape for us all.                                                                Being introduced to Rock n Roll was such an experience for me too, I can recall a dance I went to in my first year of high school it  was the first time I had ever seen a strobe light in sync with the music, that did not go too well for me, kind of "freaked me out" and believe me no drugs were involved in this situation, I actually thought I was having an epileptic seizure, when I think back on it now it was probably my first real "panic attack", needless to say I stayed away from those things. I am going to be honest with you here I have never ever taken any kind of drug, not even a "joint" so I can honestly say I am a drug virgin, drugs have always given me a type of fear feeling that I experienced thru friends and relatives, I can recall as a teen how a family member had "disappeared" for a few days, we thought she had been a runaway as it turned out she had an "LSD experience" and had no idea where she was or what had happened to her, thank god she survived and was none the worst for it but it sure did put the fear of god in me so music and drugs were never a mix for me I guess I enjoyed music so much I just did not need anything to enhance my experience of it.                               As we go thru our different stages of life that is also how music has  effected me  (effect or affect) never know which one to use. I also know that watching movies or tv is where I have found a lot of music to my liking. I remember when I first saw the movie "The Blues Brothers" the scene in the church with all the gospel music, a new appreciation of that genre was born. I wanted to go visit all the churches in Chicago's south side neighborhoods on a Sunday just to listen to gospel hymns, such an uplifting feeling I got from that particular music, another movie  that got to me was the musical "Camelot" what a soundtrack that movie produced, oh, how it affected my teenage mind then. Hubby and I also fell in love with  "Fiddler on the Roof" soundtrack, oh the sounds we lived our lives to !                                                                                                                                                                   I cannot go further without mentioning the bands in my lifetime also, of course the first was the "Beatles" and thousands of others followed, but as anyone who knows me will tell you my most favorite of all has been and always will be  "U2", oh that Bono, my boyo, now mind you Bono was my son in another lifetime, being 42% Irish I can claim this, the first time I saw Bono singing on MTV I cried, I had the strongest feeling that I had finally found him, my boy that was taken from me back in the homeland (Ireland) during the times of the troubles, ripped from his mother's arms by gunfire and during all my future lives having finally found him. Go ahead, you can say it, "What a nutjob," lots of others have, I do not mind. I have never ever had that feeling of "deja vue" with another human being except my "Bono". He has made a "mother" proud.  For my 40th birthday my son and sister gifted me with going to see "U2" in concert, oh what an experience that was. We had lawn seats and the "pot" was wafting in the air all night long, my first and only time I actually got "high", the concert started at 9pm and lasted until midnight. I however was not able to get out of the parking lot until 2am due to the massive traffic jam, I did not mind though, even though i had an hour drive ahead of me it was the best present I have ever received.                                                                         As our lives have always gravitated and revolved around family and friends so does our music, I know there will come a day hopefully soon that I can listen to all my music, my tunes, without tears, heartbreak or sadness overwhelming me, I will be able to listen and have good memories, a smile maybe even a hearty laugh recalling what those few notes meant to me. I will just keep telling myself  "this too shall pass".  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

  

MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRIC

                    Oh this mourning is becoming pure agony, stifling me like a hot humid day,  the desperation and aching to hold and kiss and love him is so strong that it is on the verge of giving me a panic attack, taking deep breaths, trying to focus on something else, trying to keep busy just is not working, this ache that is actually in my heart is overwhelming, the crying is non stop, my al honey was always my comfort zone, always there to soothe me during some trying times in my life, now my rock of gibraltar is gone, crumbled away to nothing as has his life. Today is" I just cannot believe nor accept that he is really gone from my life," I told him towards the end that I did not want to occupy this world without him in it, his pain is over and mine is just beginning, when I think of having to live every single day without him here I just cannot describe the emotions that haunt me.                                                So many family and friends have reached out to me to offer me comfort, support and love and I have come to the conclusion that this is something that I alone, all by myself,  have to deal with as far as my emotions, my feelings,  after all I am the only one that can control my emotions. I was told that crying is part of the healing process, how can you heal when you hurt so much ?  This is something I cannot escape from seeing him in my thoughts, dreams, pictures throughout the house, just about anything at this time will be a trigger point for me. JUST DEAL! FACE REALITY KATHLEEN !  My most favorite saying  "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" is something to grasp onto now, after all millions of people have been in my situation and have dealt with it, so shall I. A very hard, long road is ahead of me and I will face it with fear, trepidation, desperation, I don't know how long this journey down this road will be but I do know when I reach the end of it my al honey will be there to greet me.  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!                                                                             That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME

                          Tuesday of last week was my first and I am definitely sure not my last roughest day so far. I woke up and decided to start to do some organizing in this chaotic abode, my first mistake was putting the Pandora station that we both liked on. Over the last few years I and hubby had picked out our favorite songs and made our own station to listen to, of course the first song was  "MORE" by Andy Williams (showing my age here) well along with the lyrics flowing throughout the house my tears joined right in. I could not stop crying remembering how we picked that song as ours, our first date was going to his cousins wedding, sneaking out early from that occasion to go to the drive-in. During the reception we were dancing to that song and we decided that would be "our" song and only ours. The song remains the same but I do not, something we enjoyed so much was now breaking my heart. Of course I could no longer listen to any music that day realizing all our other songs would be too mournful and sad for me to endure on that day. I continued to cry all that day which wore me out to do any type of organizing or as a matter of fact accomplishing anything that sad day.                                                    I compare this time of my life as sort of being Bi-Polar, One day I feel great and the next I am so down in the dumps I feel I can't drag myself out of it. Such a whirlwind of emotions overcomes  me at times, kind of frightening, I have always been the type of person that I have to be in control of my body, my emotions, feelings I could pretty much keep them in check, now, jeez, totally not doable, the crying that sometimes overcomes me no matter where I am, in the store, driving, watching tv, anywhere and everywhere. Seeing a friend or acquaintance that did not know of hubby's passing is a very trying situation also, of course i cannot tell them about his passing without tears rising. I know that eventually I will be able to listen to our songs again with a smile mixed in with those tears, thinking of where we were, what we were doing when a certain tune starts to play, after all as I have said the song remains the same and life will go on.                                                                                   Hubby was a custom woodworker, carpenter, sportsman, so many things he was, good at them all, over the years many things were collected on his behalf due to all these things he enjoyed. Our son decided to have a " Tool & Garage Sale" this weekend, sales to help curtail medical expenses. This is quite hard for me too, seeing a stranger take a tool, momento, anything away with them that was his saddens me, they are not only taking his keepsakes but also a piece of my heart along with them. I sit out here while all these strangers arrive however I cannot stay too long for it just hurts too much to see part of my life and part of my love leaving my household. Just another few hours left to endure this long weekend of pain.                                                                                                              It's just not fair that he is gone, he still had so much to accomplish, on his own and with me by his side, now it's gone, just gone. I guess the anger part of bereavement is starting for me now, I am so pissed about all this grief and unfairness that has entered my life, this is just not me, I have always said for the last 3 months a stranger overcame hubby, this was not the man I had known all those long years, wracked with pain, anger, confusion and fear, now its my turn for that stranger to overcome me, I now have all those same symptoms, his was his illness mine in my grief.                                             Day by agonizing day is how I must live my life now, they say it will get easier, yeah sure ok  whatever !!   I long to hear his laughter, such a boisterous laughter it was, annoying sometimes but I will never say that again, so many things i miss already in just the few short weeks it has been since he went away. Putting words to paper helps me somewhat and I will keep myself busy with things until I become bone-weary tired, just keeping myself busy with mundane things will help me also. That is all for today my   "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta for now !!                                                                           I will always love and miss you my "AL HONEY" !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

HE HAS RISEN !

Hubby and Buckwheat his infamous companion 

                                                                                                                                                                                         He is gone, he shall suffer no more, hubby left me and this world on June 29, 2019 at exactly 5pm, I know the exact time because I was right there with him, our son and I were with him when he decided to take his last breath, hubby got his wish he died at home in his bed, my son and I were so glad we could honor his last wish. The only good thing that came out of this was that the evil cancer died with him, it could no longer take over his body like it did, no longer give him the agonizing pain it did, no longer get its satisfaction from his poor worn body, unfortunately it will find someone else to share its evil existence with, I will pray for that stranger.                                                                     Hospice came to help us with hubby on the 26th of June, what sweet angels they were, they supplied the special care that was so comforting to us all, the morphine for hubby to quench his pain and the guidance for us to help with his needs. All of them are truly angels of mercy! We will always be grateful for their love, kindness and comfort. How can I explain the love and devotion our son gave to us during this hour of need, he was our strength during this time, a special devotion to his father and myself. He was an inspiration to me as to how he comforted and so loved his father towards the end, his strength and courage gave me mine. We all say how proud we are of our children, well I can truly boast this point during our time of sorrow, he has been such a comfort to me also since his fathers passing, my boy simply amazes me  I will truly miss him when he goes back home, but life must go on.                                                                                                                                                I have always been awestruck and amazed by people with talent, how one person  can draw a few lines and make a work of art, how some can take words and form them into a song, a book or a poem, how someone can have the talent to mix a few ingredients and form a delicious meal. I came across an angel named vicktoria who has many of these talents however I believe her special one is singing. Her angelic voice gave praise at hubby's service, she sang HIS praises and in return we all praised her singing ability. She was truly blessed with a voice that the angels would envy. I thank her so much for sharing her special talent with us on that special day.                                                      My mother and sister keep telling me how proud they are of me for taking hubby's death so well. I tell them and others that I have been mourning him for the past 6 to 8 months so I have had so much grieving time during this period. Hubby truly left me 3 months ago and a stranger took over, someone who was impersonating my hubby, this impersonator had a completely different personality than hubby, no more laughter from him, some harsh and unkind words, someone I could not hold a conversation with, a person who could not grasp a hold of what I was trying to convey to him. I think if I had lost hubby say in an accident where he was taken from me suddenly it would be a different story, I would be totally grief stricken, in shock, my world completely collapsing around me. This type of death hubby went through was long and mournful  so most of my grieving was during this period of time. They do not know that deep down inside I have pain that will never go away, a void that will exist in me for the rest of my natural life, I do have days where I cry uncontrollably but I have had those days for the existence of this illness of his.  I worry about my son how this grief will impede on his life, he is strong but death treats us all differently as to how we mourn. I worry about the in-laws, his family, will they treat me differently, back away, I hope not because I truly love them as my hubby did.                                                                                                                                                             The services for hubby were phenomenal, so many came, so many who loved and respected him, so many true friends and family arrived that day, it was a non stop day, an overwhelming day of emotions and people, I will admit the hardest part was the first viewing and the last viewing, the last viewing being the toughest and most hurtful experience of my life. So much love yet to give and not being able to share it with him anymore is a feeling I have no words for. The beautiful and numerous flower displays from family, friends and former business colleagues. The family and friends  you have not seen for awhile arriving and bringing tears to my eyes upon my seeing them.  Such a day of hustle and bustle and a long one too. My grief was their grief too.                                    The following day brought fewer people, words and prayers were spoken and the sweet singing angelic voice of Vicktoria were sung. We all gave hubby our final goodbyes however that sweet loving caring man will be with us forever and I myself will never say goodbye to him. We had a nice luncheon in his honor and our son gave a speech toasting him with his infamous "Strohs" beer. Another day that will live in infamy.  That is all for today my " SPECIAL READERS "  Ta-Ta for now !