YO !!! HEY !!! YOU TALKIN' TO ME ?

    One possibly two years. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, that's all I have been hearing for the last several weeks, people talking to me, me hearing the talk that is being addressed to me but not comprehending or understanding what is being said to me, what is my problem, shock maybe, not wanting to accept what they are talking about, doubt, fear, true facts that i do not want to accept maybe? I just can't make sense of it this rhyme or reason that is being thrown at me. Am i finally having a meltdown? Am what i am writing now making any sense? NO  it is not. Again, one possibly two years.                      I have been waking up daily for the past several weeks wondering " What fresh hell awaits me today?" I am finding that I have to summon up my "testicular fortitude" to get on with my day. Some days are better than others, it helps if the sun is shining, if it is an overcast and gloomy day I am screwed royally. Today I am kind of numb, hubby is having his liver biopsy today, we already have the diagnosis, now we get to know the stage, at this point I ask my self does it really matter. Yes, it does, mapping must be done to get the correct cocktail mix for him. What a way to put it huh! TALK!  I did not accompany him to university of Illinois for this today, my two knights in shining armor did, my son and brother in law, since I am not able to walk well anymore, I have come to find out I am more of a hindrance than a help, hence I have been asked to stay behind by my hubby, I will respect his wishes, even though others are thinking and wondering differently this is our affair and the way we chose to deal with this situation. TALK !  One possibly two years.                                                 So many words have been spoken to me lately, some that have been hurtful, Unbelievable, some not understood, some that make perfect sense, some loving, some hating and even some that are regretted. TALK !!  Hopefully when my mind clears somewhat these will all "sink in". The only word I do understand completely and with utter regret is "CANCER" to me one of the most hated words in our vocabulary. This old nemesis has decided to invade our lives again, So here we go again hubby and I on a new adventure exploring yet another avenue into the realm of   "CANCER CITY".   One possibly two years.                                                                                                                  I have a friend who is very religious, she eats, breathes and sleeps religion, her faith and hope in GOD is unmatched by all, she is truly an expert, I admire and love her for having this capability, she lost her husband a little over a year ago, he went peacefully in his sleep, she woke up one morning to find out her hubby had gone to be with his "savior". I now wonder did he go peacefully due to her faith and religious beliefs and am I being punished due to the fact that my religious beliefs have been in peril for quite some time?   Is my hubby's pain and suffering due to my being such a non-believer? Even in my state of quandary now I cannot accept or believe this, I have to keep telling myself this over and over.  "TALK"                                                                                                                                  This new path we are going on to explore is immunotherapy, it is new to us and something I will have to explore and gather more information about. We are hearing the good, the bad and the ugly about it. Of course the doctors are all in favor of it, after all that is their jobs, I myself am going to take this one day at a time, I am not going to get my hopes up again only to be hurt and disappointed at the outcome,  so that is why I am going to adopt a new attitude today, it will consist mostly of being in a numbing state and  being nonchalant regarding "TALK".  I will either choose to agree or disagree in my own mind with the words that are spoken to me. I will take everything with a "grain of salt". I have to keep my sanity about me, I must be strong and really enforce that "testicular fortitude" to help hubby down this path. As I have told this man many times I will be there for him, no matter what road he decides to travel on.   One possibly two years.                                                                          We met the new oncology doctor yesterday, hubby, our son and I were in attendance, I liked her, so did they, we had our question and answer session, her telling us things that we were and were not aware of. I finally asked her the prognosis of this new journey, doctor's answer  " Fifteen years ago, I would have told you three months, we have come far, so many new advances have come along, now we can say  ONE POSSIBLY TWO YEARS. "                                                                                             That's it ? Of all the words and "TALK" that have been thrown at me lately the one and only word , the true word I wanted spoken to me  "CURE" was not in that conversation nor in any other conversation lately, I don't think that word will ever be said here nor at any other time. Is this the one accomplishment, goal hubby and I will never be able to fulfill or achieve  in our lifetime?  Well, one day at a time, he can fight the fight but is it really in his hands anymore?  Remission? maybe? only time will tell.   "TALK"  "ONE POSSIBLY TWO YEARS"  those last four words are going to haunt me for  who knows how long, possibly forever. Just like a song that sometimes plays over and over again in your mind.  So my 'SPECIAL READERS' that's it for today.  Ta-Ta for now !