PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER

         I can remember the first time I heard this song, it was on a warm summer night in chicago as a matter of fact on 57th & Union, I was maybe seven or eight, the teenagers in my neighborhood would gather in front of my house and dance the night away, we kids would sit on our front porches and watch the girls in their poodle skirts, scarves around their necks, and those sadddle shoes, the boys with their slicked back hair cut like Elvis dancing away to the stroll, the jitterbug, the Lindy Hop, the Cha-Cha, and I believe the twist was just starting too. I never knew where the music came from maybe somebody's car radio, I don't think the transistor radio was around yet, I could be wrong, maybe someone had a record player hooked up somehow, I didn't really care as long as we could sit and watch them dance, I studied all those moves thinking when I became a teenager how I would do just the same thing as them, little did I know practically all those dance moves would be long gone by the time my teenage years rolled around. Not many breaks were taken during these dance sessions but when they were they would always be drinking their bottles of coke or pepsi and taking drags and sharing cigarettes. Oh ! what wonderful memories I had of those summer nights. Unfortunately we kids were called in about 9pm on dance nights but laying in my bed on those nights I could still hear the music wafting through my open window along with a nice cool breeze.                                                   I guess this song came to mind as I looked at my profile picture on facebook this morning of me and my beloved. Looking at his shoulder and remembering how it was always there to rest my head upon and give me the greatest of comfort. Whenever I needed a place to cry on, receive a nice warming hug, comfort, ease of stress, even joy, I could rely on that shoulder to be there for me. Oh sweet jesus how I miss that shoulder and that man that provided those things for me. Believe me there is no comfort in death for the ones left behind, only grief, sorrow and many tears. My Al shared those shoulders too, with his friends and family even strangers he came to know could rely on those shoulders, he was a real ATLAS. Some men are known for their strength, qualities, endurance and generousness he was able to provide them all plus more. His endurance for pain was immeasurable, he suffered but my shoulder was there for him then.                                                                                      When Al and I started to date we shared the same likeness for this particular song too. Some excerpts from the song  "maybe you and I will fall in love", boy did we ever for over 50 years we were blessed with that love.  "People say that loves a game"  yes it is but so is life, unfortunately he lost that game way too young in my opinion, some say he had a good life, yes I agree with that but for me it just wasn't long enough.  "Tell me that you love me too". I did and I always will my sweet man. This song was also a favorite of my Aunt Lou's I can remember that about her and I singing it together when I was young.  So Thank You Paul Anka for bringing that particular song to my life. I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!  That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

WHERE'D YA GO ?

                                                                                                                                                                                        I keep asking myself this quite a lot on a daily basis now,  where'd ya go Al?  I could understand and accept the fact that if he left me he would have moved on, gone to live some where else, perhaps after some long hard thinking, pondering the decision he made he might perhaps come back to me, even not, at least I would know he was out there, perhaps if an emergency arose I could call him to help me out at least he would be reachable. Unfortunately with death that is not possible, but my mind still asks  "Where'd ya go Al ?"                                                                                                                  Perhaps he went to heaven ? Yeah, okay, perhaps Hades, no not possible he was too good a man to wind up there, besides I myself don't believe hell exists we live it here on earth. Perhaps he is wandering in space, exploring other planets, dimensions or maybe he is still here but in another form or on a different plane that we as humans cannot see. I just want to know where the hell he is, after being side by side for over 50 years just POOF ! he is gone, in a flash, in a moments time, what fresh hell this feeling is. I know I have not as of yet felt his "presence" in our home nor around my person either, however I think his ever loving companion Buckwheat has, he sits in front of the  barn door looking down the road waiting for his "daddy" to come home. When I open the overhead door on the barn it has a certain sound that would let us know it is being opened or closed and when the poor dog hears that he starts barking and wanting to go out to greet his "daddy" it is a sad thing to experience.  Is this a part of the mourning, grieving  process or is my sanity slowly slipping away from me, am I losing my grip on reality?  I wish I could be given an answer, one that I can accept, one that I can live with.                                                                                                                                                 I see him in flashbacks all day, riding the lawnmower,  opening the back door calling him in for dinner from his office in the garage, seeing him walking up the long driveway after going to retrieve the mail, seeing him sitting on the porch swing after dinner, waiting for me to join him on a peaceful summer evening, that's why I feel I can leave our humble abode without him by my side, I can take these memories with me I do not have to be here on this big property that i cannot handle alone to see him doing these things. These memories will make a new journey with me.   I see him in my dreams but when I ask him "Where'd ya go Al?" he never answers me, perhaps he doesn't even know where he is and that is why he cannot give me the answer  I so desperately need an answer to. I do understand that when a person dies their soul leaves their body, but I have always been under the impression that your soul is your body's energy, the confusion  I have here is that energy never dies, after all matter is matter.                                                                                                               *Energy cannot be created or destroyed.                                                                                         
*Energy always existed and always will exist. 
*Energy constantly changes form. Never stays still. Even a rock is made of moving particles if you use a microscope. 

And about the human soul or spirit. 

Since we're energy, we can never die." These last few sentences in parenthesis are something I read and copied. I still talk to him on a daily basis, upon awakening it's always  " Good morning Al, how did u sleep?" I argue with him, reprimand him, tell him I love him, ask him at least a thousand questions a day, before bed I always wish him good night and say I love you, never an answer though, just like I am positive I will never get an answer to  "Where'd ya go Al ?"                                                  I start my day out now with the thought I won't be seeing him in a physical form anymore, Sweet Jesus !  that is so hard to accept, it actually makes me ache and have physical pain, but then I think wait a minute it's actually getting one day closer for me to find him, day by day, week by week, month by month and pretty soon year by year my day will come to leave this earth and I will be able to seek and search for  that  " bundle of energy" that was once mine to share. When I finally do find him he just better have an answer to  "Where'd ya go Al ?"  and if he doesn't   " OH BOY"  after all  "Hell hath no fury like a woman who gets no answers."  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man.  That is all for today my  'SPECIAL READERS'.   TA-TA for now !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

" THE RESTAURANT "

      I can't believe it has been almost a month since i have posted, I cannot say time sure does fly by at least not in my life anymore, but it kind of  has, I put the house on the market a little over a week ago, five showings so far but no offers yet, I know a lot of people say to wait at least a year before you make any major decisions but I have been wanting to downsize for the last three years, hubby was just not ready, after all he did have his  "God's Little Acre" here and at the farm between the two of them I don't know which he loved more, aw c'mon I know it was the farm !  Well this place is just way too much for me to take care of, hell, I don't even know how to start the riding lawn mower. I would have to hire out everything which I have been doing already as far as the lawn maintenance, I just cannot imagine the pickle I would be in without family and friends and even neighbors. Such blessings ! A winter here alone scares the bejesus out of me, SNOW removal, electrical outages, sure we have a generator, can I operate it  HELL NO !  It will break my heart to leave this humble abode, thirty years in this home but it must be done.                                                                                                                    I have found another abode, they call it a paired villa, perfect size, maybe still a little too big but all maintenance will be handled by an HOA, I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it and believe me I have been looking, I have a contingency with this new place so wish me luck all !                                      We are preparing for an estate sale so that is why the time has been slipping away from me, they will be here in a couple of weeks to  "clean me out" they will take everything to their warehouse and have an auction there, a bit costly but so worth it to me and my son.  Here is where family and friends have been another blessing, so much help from all, feeling humbled again. A special thanks to each and every one of them.                                                                                                                                    My son is a minimalist, after all he and his wife reside in a one bedroom condo in a major city so he kind of has to be but he likes it that way. When he came to " help" his mother out he asked me "How could you and dad do this to me".  He was not prepared for 47 years of accumulation, I was so grateful first of all that he didn't disown me and that he didn't run away.  We have been picking and choosing and discarding since the beginning of July, I must say we have made a  "big dent" in this madness, but progress is being made and light is at the end of the tunnel. After a grueling weekend I decided to take him out for a special dinner.  The place we chose was where hubby and I went every year for our wedding anniversary probably for at least the last 25-30 years we have been going there, hubby always getting his lamb or veal chops, I always got the pepper steak braised in a wine sauce, appetizer meatballs, relish tray, soup, salad and then the special entree, an exquisite gastronomical feast was had by the two of us, the price was always a sticker shock but what the hell it was only once a year we always had a gift certificate a christmas gift from our son and daughter in law every year, but it was still a bit pricey !   however this was not a good idea i came up with, OMG the memories, I was totally not prepared for the shock I felt when we first walked in, seeing all the tables we dined at on our special occasion, now, what was I thinking bringing my son to our "special place". It was a very hard time for me, my son sensed something was wrong and asked if my meal was alright, he said his lamb chops were delicious, lamb chops, trying to hold back the tears, I did not eat much using the excuse I was just too tired to eat, I have enough leftovers for 3 more meals. I was trying to concentrate on our conversation but just could not focus thinking of things hubby and I talked about over our special dinner, future plans were always discussed for our many more years together, future trips we might take both definitely saying how we wanted to go back on the Natchez Trace Parkway maybe we could do the whole route, talking how we would never go back to Florida, just way too hot for us. Our hopes and dreams were always discussed over those special dinners at our restaurant, we sometimes did share going there with family and friends but it meant so much more to us when it was just the two of us. Now those hopes and dreams have vanished forever, gone by the wayside, up in smoke, I know I will not be going back to the restaurant for quite a while maybe never again, but then again maybe in the distant future I will be able to go there and have a nice time, smile , enjoy myself, it was a happy place for us, but for now I cannot share that happiness with no other.  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man!!!!   That is all for today 'MY SPECIAL READERS !'      Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
                                                 
                                              OH HOW I MISS THIS !!!!



































 

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

            I am now finding it hard to listen to music, oh I hope this feeling passes soon, the only respite I have pretty much ever had was listening to music, I love most music, although I do not have a special place in my repertoire for jazz smooth or otherwise, to me it has always had a whining sound, just rubs me the wrong way. Some country music, even though I love bluegrass is not at the top of my list either, forget rap music, no use for that at all. My dad was a music lover too and he had a very nice voice for singing also, dad loved the blues and zydeco music he amassed quite a collection of cd's and tapes with this particular music on it. I can remember growing up with the sound of Irish music in the house, mostly on the weekends, dad loved that too, he use to tell us he grew up with Irish dancing in his household as a kid, company coming on Sunday's and how the furniture would be moved out of the living room so they could all have room to dance, I am pretty sure some alcohol was also involved in these gatherings of friends and family.  Mom on the other hand loved her Mario Lanza, her opera as she called it, I know her fav song has always been Ave Maria, I can also recall her mother's fav song was Greensleeves. Music an escape for us all.                                                                Being introduced to Rock n Roll was such an experience for me too, I can recall a dance I went to in my first year of high school it  was the first time I had ever seen a strobe light in sync with the music, that did not go too well for me, kind of "freaked me out" and believe me no drugs were involved in this situation, I actually thought I was having an epileptic seizure, when I think back on it now it was probably my first real "panic attack", needless to say I stayed away from those things. I am going to be honest with you here I have never ever taken any kind of drug, not even a "joint" so I can honestly say I am a drug virgin, drugs have always given me a type of fear feeling that I experienced thru friends and relatives, I can recall as a teen how a family member had "disappeared" for a few days, we thought she had been a runaway as it turned out she had an "LSD experience" and had no idea where she was or what had happened to her, thank god she survived and was none the worst for it but it sure did put the fear of god in me so music and drugs were never a mix for me I guess I enjoyed music so much I just did not need anything to enhance my experience of it.                               As we go thru our different stages of life that is also how music has  effected me  (effect or affect) never know which one to use. I also know that watching movies or tv is where I have found a lot of music to my liking. I remember when I first saw the movie "The Blues Brothers" the scene in the church with all the gospel music, a new appreciation of that genre was born. I wanted to go visit all the churches in Chicago's south side neighborhoods on a Sunday just to listen to gospel hymns, such an uplifting feeling I got from that particular music, another movie  that got to me was the musical "Camelot" what a soundtrack that movie produced, oh, how it affected my teenage mind then. Hubby and I also fell in love with  "Fiddler on the Roof" soundtrack, oh the sounds we lived our lives to !                                                                                                                                                                   I cannot go further without mentioning the bands in my lifetime also, of course the first was the "Beatles" and thousands of others followed, but as anyone who knows me will tell you my most favorite of all has been and always will be  "U2", oh that Bono, my boyo, now mind you Bono was my son in another lifetime, being 42% Irish I can claim this, the first time I saw Bono singing on MTV I cried, I had the strongest feeling that I had finally found him, my boy that was taken from me back in the homeland (Ireland) during the times of the troubles, ripped from his mother's arms by gunfire and during all my future lives having finally found him. Go ahead, you can say it, "What a nutjob," lots of others have, I do not mind. I have never ever had that feeling of "deja vue" with another human being except my "Bono". He has made a "mother" proud.  For my 40th birthday my son and sister gifted me with going to see "U2" in concert, oh what an experience that was. We had lawn seats and the "pot" was wafting in the air all night long, my first and only time I actually got "high", the concert started at 9pm and lasted until midnight. I however was not able to get out of the parking lot until 2am due to the massive traffic jam, I did not mind though, even though i had an hour drive ahead of me it was the best present I have ever received.                                                                         As our lives have always gravitated and revolved around family and friends so does our music, I know there will come a day hopefully soon that I can listen to all my music, my tunes, without tears, heartbreak or sadness overwhelming me, I will be able to listen and have good memories, a smile maybe even a hearty laugh recalling what those few notes meant to me. I will just keep telling myself  "this too shall pass".  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

  

MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRIC

                    Oh this mourning is becoming pure agony, stifling me like a hot humid day,  the desperation and aching to hold and kiss and love him is so strong that it is on the verge of giving me a panic attack, taking deep breaths, trying to focus on something else, trying to keep busy just is not working, this ache that is actually in my heart is overwhelming, the crying is non stop, my al honey was always my comfort zone, always there to soothe me during some trying times in my life, now my rock of gibraltar is gone, crumbled away to nothing as has his life. Today is" I just cannot believe nor accept that he is really gone from my life," I told him towards the end that I did not want to occupy this world without him in it, his pain is over and mine is just beginning, when I think of having to live every single day without him here I just cannot describe the emotions that haunt me.                                                So many family and friends have reached out to me to offer me comfort, support and love and I have come to the conclusion that this is something that I alone, all by myself,  have to deal with as far as my emotions, my feelings,  after all I am the only one that can control my emotions. I was told that crying is part of the healing process, how can you heal when you hurt so much ?  This is something I cannot escape from seeing him in my thoughts, dreams, pictures throughout the house, just about anything at this time will be a trigger point for me. JUST DEAL! FACE REALITY KATHLEEN !  My most favorite saying  "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" is something to grasp onto now, after all millions of people have been in my situation and have dealt with it, so shall I. A very hard, long road is ahead of me and I will face it with fear, trepidation, desperation, I don't know how long this journey down this road will be but I do know when I reach the end of it my al honey will be there to greet me.  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!                                                                             That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME

                          Tuesday of last week was my first and I am definitely sure not my last roughest day so far. I woke up and decided to start to do some organizing in this chaotic abode, my first mistake was putting the Pandora station that we both liked on. Over the last few years I and hubby had picked out our favorite songs and made our own station to listen to, of course the first song was  "MORE" by Andy Williams (showing my age here) well along with the lyrics flowing throughout the house my tears joined right in. I could not stop crying remembering how we picked that song as ours, our first date was going to his cousins wedding, sneaking out early from that occasion to go to the drive-in. During the reception we were dancing to that song and we decided that would be "our" song and only ours. The song remains the same but I do not, something we enjoyed so much was now breaking my heart. Of course I could no longer listen to any music that day realizing all our other songs would be too mournful and sad for me to endure on that day. I continued to cry all that day which wore me out to do any type of organizing or as a matter of fact accomplishing anything that sad day.                                                    I compare this time of my life as sort of being Bi-Polar, One day I feel great and the next I am so down in the dumps I feel I can't drag myself out of it. Such a whirlwind of emotions overcomes  me at times, kind of frightening, I have always been the type of person that I have to be in control of my body, my emotions, feelings I could pretty much keep them in check, now, jeez, totally not doable, the crying that sometimes overcomes me no matter where I am, in the store, driving, watching tv, anywhere and everywhere. Seeing a friend or acquaintance that did not know of hubby's passing is a very trying situation also, of course i cannot tell them about his passing without tears rising. I know that eventually I will be able to listen to our songs again with a smile mixed in with those tears, thinking of where we were, what we were doing when a certain tune starts to play, after all as I have said the song remains the same and life will go on.                                                                                   Hubby was a custom woodworker, carpenter, sportsman, so many things he was, good at them all, over the years many things were collected on his behalf due to all these things he enjoyed. Our son decided to have a " Tool & Garage Sale" this weekend, sales to help curtail medical expenses. This is quite hard for me too, seeing a stranger take a tool, momento, anything away with them that was his saddens me, they are not only taking his keepsakes but also a piece of my heart along with them. I sit out here while all these strangers arrive however I cannot stay too long for it just hurts too much to see part of my life and part of my love leaving my household. Just another few hours left to endure this long weekend of pain.                                                                                                              It's just not fair that he is gone, he still had so much to accomplish, on his own and with me by his side, now it's gone, just gone. I guess the anger part of bereavement is starting for me now, I am so pissed about all this grief and unfairness that has entered my life, this is just not me, I have always said for the last 3 months a stranger overcame hubby, this was not the man I had known all those long years, wracked with pain, anger, confusion and fear, now its my turn for that stranger to overcome me, I now have all those same symptoms, his was his illness mine in my grief.                                             Day by agonizing day is how I must live my life now, they say it will get easier, yeah sure ok  whatever !!   I long to hear his laughter, such a boisterous laughter it was, annoying sometimes but I will never say that again, so many things i miss already in just the few short weeks it has been since he went away. Putting words to paper helps me somewhat and I will keep myself busy with things until I become bone-weary tired, just keeping myself busy with mundane things will help me also. That is all for today my   "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta for now !!                                                                           I will always love and miss you my "AL HONEY" !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

HE HAS RISEN !

Hubby and Buckwheat his infamous companion 

                                                                                                                                                                                         He is gone, he shall suffer no more, hubby left me and this world on June 29, 2019 at exactly 5pm, I know the exact time because I was right there with him, our son and I were with him when he decided to take his last breath, hubby got his wish he died at home in his bed, my son and I were so glad we could honor his last wish. The only good thing that came out of this was that the evil cancer died with him, it could no longer take over his body like it did, no longer give him the agonizing pain it did, no longer get its satisfaction from his poor worn body, unfortunately it will find someone else to share its evil existence with, I will pray for that stranger.                                                                     Hospice came to help us with hubby on the 26th of June, what sweet angels they were, they supplied the special care that was so comforting to us all, the morphine for hubby to quench his pain and the guidance for us to help with his needs. All of them are truly angels of mercy! We will always be grateful for their love, kindness and comfort. How can I explain the love and devotion our son gave to us during this hour of need, he was our strength during this time, a special devotion to his father and myself. He was an inspiration to me as to how he comforted and so loved his father towards the end, his strength and courage gave me mine. We all say how proud we are of our children, well I can truly boast this point during our time of sorrow, he has been such a comfort to me also since his fathers passing, my boy simply amazes me  I will truly miss him when he goes back home, but life must go on.                                                                                                                                                I have always been awestruck and amazed by people with talent, how one person  can draw a few lines and make a work of art, how some can take words and form them into a song, a book or a poem, how someone can have the talent to mix a few ingredients and form a delicious meal. I came across an angel named vicktoria who has many of these talents however I believe her special one is singing. Her angelic voice gave praise at hubby's service, she sang HIS praises and in return we all praised her singing ability. She was truly blessed with a voice that the angels would envy. I thank her so much for sharing her special talent with us on that special day.                                                      My mother and sister keep telling me how proud they are of me for taking hubby's death so well. I tell them and others that I have been mourning him for the past 6 to 8 months so I have had so much grieving time during this period. Hubby truly left me 3 months ago and a stranger took over, someone who was impersonating my hubby, this impersonator had a completely different personality than hubby, no more laughter from him, some harsh and unkind words, someone I could not hold a conversation with, a person who could not grasp a hold of what I was trying to convey to him. I think if I had lost hubby say in an accident where he was taken from me suddenly it would be a different story, I would be totally grief stricken, in shock, my world completely collapsing around me. This type of death hubby went through was long and mournful  so most of my grieving was during this period of time. They do not know that deep down inside I have pain that will never go away, a void that will exist in me for the rest of my natural life, I do have days where I cry uncontrollably but I have had those days for the existence of this illness of his.  I worry about my son how this grief will impede on his life, he is strong but death treats us all differently as to how we mourn. I worry about the in-laws, his family, will they treat me differently, back away, I hope not because I truly love them as my hubby did.                                                                                                                                                             The services for hubby were phenomenal, so many came, so many who loved and respected him, so many true friends and family arrived that day, it was a non stop day, an overwhelming day of emotions and people, I will admit the hardest part was the first viewing and the last viewing, the last viewing being the toughest and most hurtful experience of my life. So much love yet to give and not being able to share it with him anymore is a feeling I have no words for. The beautiful and numerous flower displays from family, friends and former business colleagues. The family and friends  you have not seen for awhile arriving and bringing tears to my eyes upon my seeing them.  Such a day of hustle and bustle and a long one too. My grief was their grief too.                                    The following day brought fewer people, words and prayers were spoken and the sweet singing angelic voice of Vicktoria were sung. We all gave hubby our final goodbyes however that sweet loving caring man will be with us forever and I myself will never say goodbye to him. We had a nice luncheon in his honor and our son gave a speech toasting him with his infamous "Strohs" beer. Another day that will live in infamy.  That is all for today my " SPECIAL READERS "  Ta-Ta for now !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

LETTING GO

                   It's 4am I am sitting in my room, looking at the full moon peeking from behind the dark clouds, listening to the birds waking and singing from their night's sleep, I can hear the train horn off in the distance, it will get louder and closer in a minute or two, my cup of coffee is just the right temperature to savor the flavor, ah ! what could be more enjoyable than this !!!  Soon I will have to let this go, you see as I am sitting here enjoying these precious moments my hubby is lying in his bed, slowly slipping away, oh, how I wish he could take this all in as I am. I know we would be asking each other " What bird do you think that one is, making that beautiful song"  I would be telling him the only thing that would make this a perfect morning is if the owl gave a "hoot", I can hear the mourning doves now, how appropriate as I am mourning right along with them, now I just heard the deep croak of a frog on our pond. Sad to know I have to let this all go.                                                                    We had another Dr. appointment yesterday poor hubby lost another 13 pounds in a two week period, he is so weak and tired, he told the Dr. he is ready to go,  he has no appetite anymore, lost his desire to eat, so far this journey has taken 117 pounds from his body. He is too tired and weak to bathe himself anymore, he sleeps 18 to 20 hours a day, he said he is done, finito, it is time to let it go. We will be having transition care coming to visit now, another CT scan to be done within the next few days to see if this God awful cancer has progressed elsewhere in his worn depleted body, another Dr. visit next week to see if hospice is to be arranged yet, hubby said to just get it done and over with, just to please let it go.                                                                                                                                                             I have always had a hard time telling this man "NO" let's face it he is spoiled by me, but I in return am spoiled by him, we have always tried to make one another happy, I have known this man for 53 of my almost 67 years, we have shared the same household together for 47 years, next week it will be 48 years, that's right another wedding anniversary coming up, we spoil each other on that day too we go out for our once a year "fancy dinner" his is either lamb chops or veal chops, mine is prime rib medium well please !  An expensive luxury once a year. I will miss it this year as will he but then again we must just let it go.                                                                                                                                        We have been fighting this battle together since march of 2018 of course he has always been at the front line while i am on the battlefield sidelines watching his back all the time, forever by his side watching out for him and helping as much as I could, I know that as with all wars this one is coming to an end very soon, we are both battle weary, tired, him more so than I for he is the one that took on 99% of the heavy load, but again I have always had his "6",  time to let this one go too. The only thing I will never let go is my love and devotion to this man because you see  "He is my hero, my knight in shining armor" Cancer may have won this battle or war but I will never, ever let it go !!!                    That is all for today my  "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta for now.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                                             

HUMBLE ABODES IN CHICAGO PART TEIR

   Hello again !!  I know it has been awhile since my last post but dealing with cancer can easily become a full time job, especially for the caregiver. Back and forth with hubby for doctor visits, radiation treatments three times a week, doing all the chores now is quite time consuming not to say exhausting. What a rude awakening i have been experiencing after taking over the chores he used to help with, all I can say is  "WOW" !   He is still struggling and fighting this ongoing battle with perseverance and waning strength, it is getting to be a struggle for him, but God bless him, he keeps fighting.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    We moved from the abode on 50th & Carpenter to 5732 S Union ave. where  I began 1st grade at Visitation Grammar School, I did start the first grade at ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST school, but transferred to Vis probably 4 months after starting there. Vis, what can i say besides some of the meanest women I knew. The Sisters and I just did not get along and never would throughout my 8 years with them. I just could not and would not conform to their ways of thinking, later in my life I would relate to it as a form of brainwashing. Call me stubborn or foolish or whatever,  it just went against my grain, rubbed me the wrong way, as an adult I still have and probably always will carry the scars of that time in my life.                                                                                                                          We lived on the 3rd. floor in a 3 story building, the 1st floor was occupied by a Chicago fireman and his family of 3 kids, the 2nd floor was occupied by my friend Maxine, her mom and dad whom could not speak very good english and her 2 older brothers who worked at the stockyards with their dad. I can remember on hot summer nights going across the street to the store and getting her brothers quarts of ice cream, I was just so astounded that they would each eat 2 of these at one sitting, me and my sisters and brother had to always share a quart of ice cream. The brothers always bought an extra quart for Maxine and I to share, our reward for going to the store to get this for them.   Maxine always had nice stuff, clothes, toys, games I guess because she was the only girl, she had her own room which was so pretty and frilly, we would spend hours there playing with her fancy dolls, as a matter of fact she was the first kid i knew who had  " BARBIE", one of many she would collect.  The only dolls I ever wanted were  "THUMBELINA" and "CHATTY CATHY". I never did have my own as a child but Maxine was always kind enough to share hers with me, sometimes she would even let them have a sleep over at my house. I only had 2 other close friends in my neighborhood growing up, Diane and Jeannie. I will talk more about them later.                                                                                 On our first day in our new abode sister and I met Wally and Ronnie two brothers that lived in the last house on the block as we used to say they "lived on the alley". They wanted to see where we lived, our house had an enclosed stairway going to the basement, we went down there to explore the basement only to realize you needed a key to unlock the door, sister and I came to find out they were mean and nasty boys, Jeez ! at 7 years old I did not want to show them what I owned and I sure as heck did not want to see what they owned either, we ran away from them boys and pretty much stayed away from them as long as we lived there.                                                                                            I pretty much enjoyed living here, except for all those stairs we had to climb, but really as a kid you did not notice these things,  playing hide and go seek with all the neighborhood kids, catching lightning bugs and keeping them in a jar, playing hopscotch, having jump rope contests, our first encounter with the infamous  "HULA-HOOP" came here too, we learned to conquer that thing pretty good. Getting our hair rolled up with the new "SPOOLIES" little rubber do-dads for curling your hair. On summer nights sometimes mom would let us sit on the porch into the late evening watching the teenagers  dance the night away, back then couples danced together, I loved watching them do the "JITTERBUG" all kinds of different dances most of which i never knew the names of but I sure did enjoy it !                                                                                                                                                           I even had my first job here when I was about 8, moms friend Margie lived on the next block and I would go over there and fold her baskets of clothes for a nickel a basket, she always had lots of clothes to fold having 7 kids. I can remember ironing day at our house too, I would get to sprinkle the clothes with the pepsi bottle filled with water and a sprinkler attachment on it, I would then fold the clothes up into a towel and put them in the fridge waiting to be ironed by mom, I can remember on hot days before mom would iron how she would send me to the store for the "coldest bottle of pepsi in the cooler" for her, that was her cool down while we enjoyed koolaid. We always had chores to do before we could go out and "play" during the summer, sometimes Maxine would yell up the back stairs  " YO ! Kathie, can u come out and play" always a no until my chores were done,                                   Since I was the oldest I was in charge of bringing our landlord who lived two houses down the rent money once a month. Mom would give me the envelope with $35.00 all sealed up in there. Think about it now, a 3 bedroom apartment, a living room, huge kitchen, bathroom with a clawfoot tub, and our secret room, all that for $35 a month, mind you we did have all those stairs to climb, oh and i forgot there was an enclosed back porch too !  We did not use that room too much, there was a huge downward angle to that porch you could not even stand up straight ! It did have four big windows which were all screens no glass, mom was always afraid we were going to fall out the windows so we really weren't allowed out there too much. Getting back to our secret room, it was just a long narrow closet with a door the entrance was from the living room, it did have a window which we kids could not even reach, we used it mostly on rainy and cold winter days to play in, all our toys were stored there, that was a fun room, something nice to escape too when you needed to.                                                  I can remember being in school one day and being called down to the principal's office. OMG the principal's office, that always meant BIG TROUBLE to a kid. What did I do? My aunt Lou was there mom's sister,  UH-OH, Dad got hurt at work and we had to come home immediately. Auntie Lou took me and sister out of school and brought us home. At that time dad worked as an ironworker, he was at work and fell 60 feet off of the building. Almost all of his bones were broken, he was at Macneal Memorial Hospital in Berwyn. Dad was in the hospital for almost a whole month, an eternity to me. We could not even go visit him at that time, it was not allowed. We did get to talk to him on the phone, what a horrid time in my life back then, mine daddy as i have always called him, lying in a bed all broken up. At that time there were no benefits to be had, we had to rely on family and friends for food and money, I can remember every Friday dads coworkers would come by with bags of groceries and an envelope with money for our family. Family, friends, neighbors all helped our family during this crisis of our lives, our landlord even reduced our rent " till we could get back on our feet" Dad finally came home in a wheelchair of course, I can remember how we had to play quietly so dad could recover, saturday mornings though we would get up and have wheelchair races down the long hallway, didn't last long way too much noise for dad. After the longest time dad seemed to recover, although he never really would, months later is when dad started having a problem, that is when i discovered he was an alcoholic, as young as i was i did not grasp the meaning of this, all i knew was sometimes I could not bring friends in the house, dad wasn't feeling well  (drunk), sometimes fridays would come along and we kids would be going to different relatives for the weekend ( payday was friday and dad would not return home until monday after work with no money) the times when he and mom would fight and we kids would be cowering together so afraid of both of them at the time. The time he was so drunk he had mom on the floor actually strangling her and sister took the cast iron skillet and hit him on the head and knocked him out, the neighbors called the police that time, of course at that time in the 50's no charges were made and mom was told to let him sleep it off. So many bad memories but there were also good ones. They endured, stayed together for close to 60 years till dad's death, We were lucky dad did go "cold turkey" and quit drinking when I was eleven years old, he had several setbacks but he made it, he was alcohol free till the day he died. Dad did suffer in other ways, he became a cripple, disabled and in a wheelchair most of the time when he reached the ripe old age of 55, however he did live till he was 83. He was a loving, caring and kind father when he could be.                                                                                                                    I can remember my first encounter with "prejudice" it  happened here when i was 8, moms favorite aunt kate and her husband uncle dutch lived down the street from us, they lived in a fancy brick building on the corner, a 4 unit building with a courtyard in the center. They were older and had no kids so they kinda spoiled mom and us kids. A bit further down the street from them (north) was the Dewey Public School, here is where the black kids that lived on the other side of the viaduct down the street further from us (south) attended school. Mom had made some cookies and I was bringing some to aunt kate they were in a brown paper lunch bag, the black children were walking home from school and a group of them yelled at me  "hey white girl, what you doin' on our side of the street" needless to say i did not know what she meant until I was being shoved into some sticker bushes in front of a neighbors house, they were shoving me and pushing me into the bushes repeatedly yelling at me that I did not belong on their side of the street, the lady who lived there came out and started yelling at them and they all started running away, I was crying on the sidewalk I was all scratched up and bleeding, the kind lady helped me up and cleaned me up before she took me home. The bag of cookies were taken and I was pretty shaken up, mom thanked the kind lady for helping me. The next day several of the moms were waiting for the kids, cursing, yelling and for the first time i heard the "N" word,  mom was not involved in this " mom intervention" but she explained to me about the word that was used and how she didn't think the things that were said should have been said, she said the kids were wrong but i survived with no damage and it should not have happened. She also said let this be a big lesson in your life, it was your first time dealing with racism  but it will not be your last, boy was she right or what !                                                                                    One of the tough things about living here was the long walk to school, especially in the winter, those God awful snowsuits we used to have to wear, Jeez it took half an hour to put that straight jacket on  just to get all sweated up in that thing and then go out in the cold !  Trying to walk in that get up was bad enough, then getting to school and disrobing again,  AH ! the tortures of childhood !! I use to feel sorry for the crossing guard being out there in that frigid Chicago winter air !  Come to think of it every humble abode we lived in meant a long walk to school, the closest I came to Vis was when we lived on 55th & Aberdeen.                                                                                                                  I can remember our first car, it was either a '59 chevy bel-air or an Impala, the color was salmon, not pink or coral or even peach but salmon. Dad was so proud the first one in our big family on both sides to own a new car, it was a pretty looking car, Dad came to regret buying that car though everyone in the family suddenly thought he was a "taxi driver" as he put it, it seemed the phone was always ringing asking dad to take them here or there. Pretty soon the calls became fewer and fewer, I guess dad finally learned to say "NO"!                                                                                                                 At the age of 9 while we lived here I became ill, Rheumatic Fever. I can remember waking up one night feeling sick and my legs hurt really bad, I could not bend my knees, the pain was excruciating, mom and dad put me in a tub of hot water to see if that would ease the pain, it didn't, dad said it was growing pains after all i was getting older. Fever, chills, sore throat, going to the doctor the next day.  DR. JEROME GREEN, what a guy! He was my doctor throughout this sickness that would stay with me for over a year, hospital stays, weekly blood draws, poor mom having to carry me up 3 flights of stairs, not being able to walk, go outside and play, being with my friends, by this time my friend Maxine moved away, Diane and Jeannie would come over and play board games with me my fav being "Parcheesi" they did not stay long, could you blame them?  I can remember having to go to the Christopher School for special kids, a bus ride for this one, I did have home schooling but when I could finally walk again this is where I had to go. I did perform in a school play while attending here, ( well almost)  I was to be the lead singer, on my own, and I was terrified, the song was "Santa Lucia", I learned all the words, memorized them to be honest, and was all ready to go, on the day of my solo performance I was ill with strep throat and my stand-in took over the part. Well there went my 15 minutes of fame. The teachers here were nice, kids were friendly but I wanted to be with my old classmates, I did not miss the nuns, just the kids.                                                                  During my illness my friend Jeannie was hit by a car, she was hospitalized for awhile but soon came home, she would come to "play" at my house and I would go see her at hers. It seemed strange to us here we were playing games while our sisters, brothers and friends were at school, sometimes it was fun, other times boring. Thank goodness we both recovered and got back to our old mischievous selves.                                                                                                                                                                 My other friend Diane used to have the best birthday parties, what a luxurious soiree they were. Sister recalls how Diane would have a big fancy decorated cake and cupcakes too. Those cupcakes really impressed Sister, I can remember how we would get all dressed up in our best dresses, fancy socks and sunday shoes to attend these parties, the table settings were all fancy and beautiful, we were even served Punch !  WOW !  She had big parties too, at least 10 girls in their sunday best attended. We all got presents right along with Diane, fancy little cups filled with candy, streamers, horn blowers, Pin The Tail on the Donkey game and other games were played too, fancy prizes for the winners, just something Sister and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing that Diane was the only friend who had these fancy doings !                                                                                                                             This humble abode was the longest residence we resided at during my childhood, I recall moving here at the age of 7 and leaving here at the age of 11. My grandparents, moms mom and dad would move in here when we left, they having good and bad times here also, another story, another time. Leaving here was hard, so many memories and friends to leave behind along with me. From here we moved to the  "Mouse House" again to be continued.  That's all for now my "SPECIAL READERS".   Ta-Ta for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                 

UP PERISCOPE, DOWN PERISCOPE

             Well, hello folks, it's been awhile, have been quite busy taking care of hubby, back and forth for his treatments sometimes 3-4 days a week, no rest for the wicked, we are in limbo now, only beginning the process so no miraculous cure has or will occur as of yet.                                                               Hospitals, i grew up with them when i was 9  I developed Rheumatic Fever, I had to spend 2 weeks at St. Bernards hospital in chicago, What a frightened child was I , no family around mom and dad could not visit every day there were 3 kids to take care of at home, kids were not allowed to visit back then and mom and dad could only stay for an hour when they came to visit. I felt completely abandoned, that was probably the start of all my anxieties and fears that  I face today.  I can remember in the evening sitting on the windowsill behind the nurses desk watching the el trains go by in the dark, the sparks flying off of the wheels, a pretty sight back then, my only form of entertainment besides reading. A huge window with a window seat that the nurses would set up with pillows and a blanket for me so i could gaze at the chicago sights of the evening, I even remember seeing children thru their windows across the street going about doing things with their families, eating dinner, playing board games, mom or dad helping with homework at the dining room table. I envied them, I sure did miss mom, dad, sisters and brother, homesick is what i was feeling, many nights i would cry myself to sleep. The day finally arrived when i went home, only to be treated like an invalid for a year, at this time we lived on the third floor of our home and i could not walk up or down any stairs, poor mom and dad had to carry me up 3 flights of stairs, needless to say i did not go out much, I had home schooling for awhile, I was finally able to attend a special school- Christopher School near 51st & Western. I did not like going there, taking a special ed bus every day, going to school with the "special kids" I had to use a wheelchair just like the rest of them, I felt so out of place, I wanted to be back at Vis with my old schoolmates. I was in a class play there and had a starring role as a singer but could not attend or participate in that affair due to the fact I came down with strep throat 2 days prior to the main event, back in the hospital, this time to have my tonsils removed. I was so excited I was told after the tonsils were out I could have all the ice cream I wanted.  TRICKSTERS!  They neglected to tell me I couldn't swallow or eat anything for over a week, it hurt to much to swallow. After a long year I was back to "normal" back to my old routine, enjoying childhood once again.                                                                                                                                             Just this week here i am back in the hospital, a different one of course, facing a colonoscopy and endoscopy, as i say up and down periscope. When you enter those doors all dignity and decency does not accompany you, the gown with the slit up the back opening, stripping me of all my clothes except socks of course. Me complaining because I did not shave my legs after my shower that morning. We had a contest the staff, my sister and myself that we put on the dry eraser board at the nurses station of how long my leg hair was, it was a split the pot contest, of course my sister and one of the nurses won the pot, enough for lunch for both of them.  3/4 inches was the winner !!                                 THE PREP-  a whole gallon of that luscious lemon lime drink to be taken in 8 ounce increments every 10 minutes for the next two hours, now mind you, you only drink half a gallon at this time. After about 45 minutes plan on being near a bathroom for the rest of the evening, do not let another human being go near that room, keep that path free and clear. The  prep started at 3pm, drinking that half gallon up until 5pm, now mind you the day before was a clear liquid diet which i followed religiously, so how could i have that much stored up in my bowels? Talk about uncontrollable, I was kicking myself on my sore behind for deleting that free sample of "depends" underwear, Two rolls of toilet paper and 4 changes of underwear later  I thought I was finally done about 10pm that evening , good i can get a few hours of sleep before i have to finish the other half gallon of that wonderful lemon lime beverage at 3am. Lo and behold i was up three more times before that alarm went off at three. 3am- every 10 minutes until 5 am  OMG, how can i make this 45 minute drive to the hospital without an accident, I was prepared I packed extra underwear and pants for the trip. Jeez, how much more can my poor sphincter take !!  Now I know why you need to be sedated for this procedure. My journey to the hospital went smoothly, thank GOD !  after all what's open at 7am in case an emergency stop is required, Just to be on the safe side I brought a 5 gallon bucket with me. I told my sister never, ever, absolutely never again, I would live with a tumor hanging from my rear dragging across the floor as i walked and still I would not do this again, C'mon there has to be a better way of doing this people !!                                                                                                                          All went well, polyps and biopsies done but doctor said everything looked pretty good, follow up in a month, So ask I  "So what is causing diarrhea and difficulty in swallowing ?  DR: "Are you under a lot of stress?" My reply was a hearty laugh, ain't that a kick in my sore butt, probably $15,000.00 to find out I have stress.  IMAGINE THAT !   So my "SPECIAL READERS" that's it for today.  Ta-Ta for now !!