HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND ?

   My old friend ? I think not, granted some days are darker than others, some brighter too. When the darkness enters it lingers deep into my soul, I try to pull myself to the surface to get a grip on my reality but it usually drags me back down into the deep abyss, those days are my downfall, my deep depression.                                                                                                                                                 June, a month i used to love, marriages, anniverseries, birthdays, graduations, beginning of summer, school break and so many more special occasions, not for me anymore. My June brings in my old nemisis of darkness, many dark days for me my beloved hubby's birthday, our wedding anniversary this one would have been our 50th we were suppose to celebrate it being on a cruise to Alaska or vacationing in Ireland, we never got to make that final decision together and now some will say  "Well you go on your own " I think not how can I celebrate such a special occasion without him ? You all know who would accompany me on that journey - my old friend of course !!  Then of course June 29th a day that will be etched in my mind a day that will live in infamy until the end of my days - his journey here on earth ended, my darkest and worst day of my life !  He will be gone from me for 3 years this June, physically but never in my heart and mind those feelings and emotions will also be with me for eternity.                                                                                                                                               

 They say it gets better with time, granted some days are better than others, I will be having an extremely good day and then  "WHACK" it hits, it could be an old song, a memory, something on TV, anything could trigger that " friend " to make a visit to ruin my good day. I have tried to train myself to ignore this friend and somedays it does work my best weapon is telling myself  " THIS TOO SHALL PASS " and sometimes a good cry helps me to ward off this unwanted friend. Then again I tell myself this is also grief still clenching and hanging onto me and that it is "OKAY" these feelings are normal and necessary for my well being.  I do detest the days when I talk myself into getting out and just take a ride, a change of scenery, the smell of freshly mown grass as the windows are rolled down in the car but then my mind is telling me you can't run away from your feelings they will follow you be it one mile or 100 no matter where I go and that is oh so true !!  In the long run though i do feel somewhat relieved another battle won for me.                                                                                                                               Only three more weeks left to this month of June, it will be a struggle for me but I will get thru this just as I have for the past 3 years. I thank God that I am blessed with such a wonderful family and good friends to help me along this path.  I have met my new neighbor who is also a widow and we are becoming close which i so appreciate. I have also met a new male friend who is such a good and kind man and I am so grateful our paths have crossed, I have never really had a male friendship before it is new and different to me I can confide in him and express my feelings and he is very understanding and I look forward to our friendship becoming stronger.                                                                                       To all my fellow greivers out there I feel for you !!  Just remember it is okay for you to scream, cry, get angry, have temper tantrums it is all legit at this time,  this choice was not given to us but unfortunately it is something we have to accept  " Hang in There "  hold on for dear life and move on and most of all please remember  " THIS TOO SHALL PASS "   Ta-Ta for now my special Readers !! I Love and Miss You desperately my Sweet Man. "                                                                                                                                                                        

                             

ORVILLE THE FISHERMAN

 I came across this post on my facebook page and boy did the memories flood in, you see i had a little statue like this on our pier at our old home.  I named him Orville after my late grandfather that was his middle name.  I acquired Orville from a former co-worker back in 2008, she was moving to another home and this lil' guy sat on their pier at their pond, since her new place had no pond she asked if I wanted him for my pier,  of course I did  how could I resist. Orville sat watch over our pond for 11 years and as far as I know he is still there, He was our vigilant watch dog over the pond, he made sure no fish ever escaped, we had bluegills, grass carp sunfish and others i have no clue as to what they were I do know we had an albino catfish in there though, if anyone ever caught it they had to throw it back in immediately, several did catch it though,  no kids ever fell in, although he could not prevent the time hubby lost control of our riding lawnmower  he overlooked his angle  (no pun intended in fisherman terms) lost his balance and himself and said lawnmower wound up in the pond.  Orville did not laugh nor did he snicker but he also did not ask if he was OK.  All was well  lawnmower still worked the only thing hurt was hubby's ego.  The neighborhood kids were always careful when they came fishing not to let Orville fall in the water, that was always my warning to anyone who ventured to the pond  " Be careful you don't knock Orville into the water."  He sat there like a sentinel. 24-7 and did such a fine job. I use to be worried when we would have our big July 4th parties that he would disappear and him being of concrete material he would definitely sink to the bottom which was 10 feet deep, I would ask hubby to move him to the barn for the day but he refused to remove our guardian from his spot, who will keep an eye on the kids if i take him away said he.  I just did not want the lil' guy to be knocked into the water because I knew he could never be retrieved, I would miss him ,  seeing him sittin' there with his lil' fishin' pole every day would really bother me,  Spring, summer, fall and winter he would always keep watch just as I did over him.  We were lucky in all those 11 years he never took a dive !!  Many close calls especially when our dog would run out onto the pier or when the pier was overrun with people fishing, through summer storms, winters ice and snow he stood his ground. When the time came that I had to leave our home after hubby's passing my son asked if I wanted to take Orville with me, NO !   I was moving to a villa with no water in sight  just because I was being uprooted from my home did not mean Orville had to go also    well, as it turns out Orville could not go if I or him wanted him to  I found out hubby had screwed Orville onto the wood of the pier,  I got a belly laugh out of that one, I had no idea that was done to Orville, all my worries and fears for him were for naught.   The only disappointment I ever had with my Orville was that he never caught a fish, not one dang fish !!!  I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!           

SNOWSTORMS AND BLIZZARDS

         I was awakened by the sound of the plow this morning at 7:15 am, sure enough they were right this time with the weather forecast of six to nine inches of snow, since i am no good at measurements i know we received quite a bit of that snow, the plow was in my driveway one of those "cat" plows clearing it out. I am so grateful that my HOA is on the ball, here it is though 10:30am and the snow is still falling they say it will clear up around midnight with three to four more inches. Not to worry I went out Friday and got all the essentials I needed to "hunker down" for several days and I can even stretch it out to a week if need be.                                                                                                                                         I can remember the first time I came to love the beauty of the snow, living in Chicago and living on the third floor of an apartment building you really can't get the perspective nor the beauty of the snow falling. It was Christmas Day yes an actual "White Christmas" we were all dressed up in our new christmas outfits  and leaving to go to Gram's for our family christmas. I was maybe 8 or 9 at the time and mom was wondering if we would make it there in our car, we had a volkswagon beetle van with no heat, mom was very concerned about there being no defrosters for the windows, how can we see out the windows if they are all frosted up and frozen over, dad of course never thought of this when he purchased this vehicle. My first step out the door is when I noticed the snow, we lived on a tree lined street on Aberdeen near the boulevard and I had never seen the trees covered in snow and ice, how magnificent  this sight was to behold, the snow was still falling gently but I did not feel the cold, it was so still and calm, very serene.  I don't remember the drive to Gram's but somehow we made it there and back, even though there was no heat we brought blankets with to keep warm.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           My next encounter was the snowstorm of "67" we had just moved from Chicago to the south suburbs in December of "66", no buses but they did have school buses which I had never taken before except for one year when I was 10 and had to attend a school for the handicapped due to rheumatic fever and had to take a school bus then, I was quite shocked there being no public transportation out here, thats how i always got around Chicago, going shopping, to museums, even using the bus for school and having tokens for my ride to anywhere, on special occasions we would use the "E'L" and very seldom a taxi ride was a treat.   We lived in a three bedroom ranch in the "burbs" and this storm completely covered up the side of our home all the way to the eaves of the roof, the snow covered up my bedroom windows my first encounter with claustrophobia. Dad worked downtown and took the train home and he walked from the train station to our home which was about 8 miles in all that snow. He left his car in the parking lot at the train station due to the fact he could not get out of the lot and the streets were impassable, thinking back on it now was he a brave man or a foolish one?  but as he said where would he have stayed he could have been stranded at the station for days so he took a chance and it payed off  thank goodness. My younger sister was stranded at her school for several days she had no way to get home and to this day she hates the snow. As for me I was home sick from school for several days so that's how i avoided being stranded and mom kept my younger brother and sister home from school before the storm hit. Feeling better I can remember a few days later having to walk to the grocery store which was probably close to a mile round trip for milk and bread, I remember walking right down the middle of our main busy highway in our town and thought to myself  how amazing that was that there was absolutely no vehicles, that was a busy highway so I was kind of in awe how civilization could come to a standstill in my eyes anyway. Getting to the store after trudging through all that deep snow and finding out they were out of milk and bread and just about everything else was a huge disappointment to say the least !!  So we survived the snowstorm of "67" us kids loved it but the adults not so much.                                                                                                                                                   I really don't remember the storm of "79" that much, but I know there was one in the " 90s" that was the worst for me. We lived (hubby and I) in Indiana on close to 2 acres and we were literally without electricity for two weeks, I remember the storm hit in March but cannot recall the year, I woke up that morning  and my living room window was completely covered in ice, I can also remember during this storm there was thunder not sure about the lightning but it was a bad one. I was so grateful we had a woodburning fireplace in our living room  we slept there and practically lived in that one room for a full week, no water, no electric, no phone, just heat from our fireplace, heating water on the stovetop, using our port a potty for the bathroom, After maybe 5 days hubby was able to go and get a portable generator which of course they raised the price on, price gouging, the great american way,  I hated that thing is was so noisy and loud and had to be babysat every few hours to be fed gas, after that storm we considered getting a permanent generator installed but just never did, We really should have we were in a kind of rural area and every time it stormed or the wind blew the wrong way that electricity would go out, we even had power outages several times a year due to the squirrels getting "zapped" running across the lines.  Our electric lines came completely down during that storm that's why we were so long without power.                                                                                                                 Of course living in a rural area we had to have a tractor for cutting the grass and of course a snow plow had to accompany that, Oh the fight we had about purchasing that piece of equipment, six thousand dollars Jeez my last two surgeries did not even cost that much, but of course we got "ol gertie" why do men have to name their machinery?  She gave us her all, after hubby passed away I had to sell her of course no where near of what we paid for her, She was always needing a new belt and it seemed like every season she would need a new tire, but he treated her like the fine woman she was, keeping up with her every whim,   oil changes, blade sharpened shining her up after mowing the lawn, When the weather called for a snowstorm he would always go out to the barn the day before to make sure "ol gert" was up for the job and she always satisfied his every whim, as he use to say  "you take care of a good woman and she'll return the favor. "  and she sure did we had her for over 20 years.                                 Waking up this morning I was reminiscing about how hubby would be suiting up to go plow the driveway and the cul-de-sac and even some of the neighbors driveways, How he would tell me  "now don't get jealous I'm going to go ride "Ol Gert for a few hours" keep the coffeepot full and warm please! I would just roll my eyes and say "yes dear"  have fun and be careful.  In the backround how our "buckwheat" would be going nuts just wanting to jump in that high snow, he wouldn't be out there too long rules were no dog outside while i'm plowing and then how bucky would come back in and sit and whine and cry because he couldn't be out in that snow, he did love the snow that crazy dog !!  I miss those two and those days !                                                                                                                                          Having been thru many a snowstorm even driving in blinding blizzards several times I still love the snow,  now I am the type of person who loves it from the indoors, sitting by the window watching it fall gently while i am under a nice warm blanket and in a cozy chair sipping some hot cocoa trying to read a book but that does not hold my attention too long for I am distracted by the beauty of that gentle snowfall outside my window.    I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

                                      
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

MY ETERNAL TRAVELLER

              The day before the 4th of July, sweet Jesus I am having a really bad day today, this was your favorite holiday my love,  Oh the parties we would have to celebrate this day, so many guests, so much food, party favors, games, fishing, kids running under the sprinkler, and of course the best of all  "FIREWORKS"!!  Such a display you would have everyone enjoying your fireworks, I remember how you would set up this event a week prior to the big party, all the arranging you did, it all had to be just right and babe it sure was, All the work you and your friends would put into this endeavor and just like" Thanksgiving all that cooking for an hours pleasure " only for the 4th it did last most of the day, how you would pace yourself not to drink too much Stroh's all day due to the fact you had to be up and ready for the  " Really Big Show"  all the OOH"S & AH"s during the show even the patriotic music that you and our neighbor would synchronize was just the absolute best, Nah I take that back the absolute best was when you would yell out "FIRE IN THE HOLE" !!   When we had our very first party I wasn't too pleased, all the work that was involved and the cost of your display was overwhelming to me but seeing the joy it not only brought to you but to all who attended was well worth it. I remember how it took us 2 days to clean up to get back to normal, however after the display in the dark of night how Mrs. D  would get a crew out in the street to sweep it all up !!  Lady DI would get a clean up crew together too for kitchen clean up and a can would be passed around for donations for "next year" I guess there was no getting out of it after the can was passed around, it was our annual thing for several years !!  Now all I have are the memories of how we celebrated and the sadness of knowing there will be no more with you. I was invited to a party for the 4th but i just do not want to go without you by my side, I know I would not be good company to others but I do so appreciate the invite!  I just want to be alone tomorrow but I won't be because you will be in my thoughts the whole time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I decided to take a nap today all I did was cry into my pillow, finally falling asleep who comes to my dreams but you, you told me you are an eternal traveller now, going to visit all the sights and places you always wanted to go to and you said you had only just begun, you were keeping in mind the places I would like and when I joined you we would go on quite an adventure together but not yet, You said you were going to go tonite and tomorrow nite to see all the fireworks displays you could and you would be a weary traveller by day's end. I told you it's about time you got to sit back and enjoy the beautiful displays since you really couldn't with yours, you told me I was wrong that you got your enjoyment by giving to others. that's what I miss so much about you my love, how generous and giving you always were. You told me Bob and Cy and Ichabod were going with you for the holiday displays. I am jealous that I cannot accompany you but I want you to so ENJOY ! yourself.  So as for tonite and tomorrow nite I will look out my window and hopefully see some fireworks displays  I know I will surely hear them as I have for the past few weeks, I will think of  "the guys" on their travels and wonder if they will see at least some of the same fireworks as I do. Enjoy your holiday my love and my friends !!                                                                                                                                 I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

                                                                                                                                                                                                I was woke up this morning by the smell of fresh coffee brewing  sounds of Al & Buckwheat goofing around in the kitchen, their idea of quiet and mine are two different things, Al usually knows if I get woke up out of a sound sleep I am pretty crabby for most of the day, as for Buckwheat he could care less.  "Can u guys play a little more quietly" I shout, usually I would hear "Uh-Oh  Buck we're in trouble again".  Then suddenly quietness,  too much quietness,  realizing it was only another dream, the smell of coffee was gone and so were they. After I retired Al would make coffee just about every morning, he did make some damn good coffee, he would always have my cup, spoon, creamer and pretend sugar packets waiting for me and the spoon was always set on a nicely folded paper napkin, on special occasions instead of a napkin there would be a heart shaped cut out napkin or paper towel with a "Happy Birthday" or " Happy Valentine's Day" and even a "Happy Mother's Day" always pointing out on that occasion even though your not my mother, such a kind and caring man was he !!  Damn! how i miss those mornings, now I have to tell myself I think that was his way of telling me to wake up and be with him to start a new day, crabby or not. Next month it will be a year since my love left me behind to face this so called life I now lead, this virus has made it a hell of a lot worse not being able to hug and talk to someone about my life. Sure there's other ways of communication which I use but it's not the same as being with someone, another kind of death? Another battle to fight and I am getting so weary of this as I think we all are. My son came to see me the day before Mother's Day, I have not seen him for two months due to the lockdown,  so good to see him but I could not hug or kiss him, hold him tight, give him a great big bear hug or as we call it in our family a Barr Hug, that was another heart breaking moment, he calls me daily but as I have said you need that comfort of hugs and kisses too.                                                                                                    I have been dealing with lots of nightmares and dreams since hubby's passing and they are all about him of course, most of them are of him being angry with me because he said he has been looking for me and I am not at our house anymore he just cannot find me, me asking him where he has been and him telling me he has been at the farm, me telling him that he died, him saying no he didn't he has been searching and trying to find me, me telling him I had to sell our home I could not take care of it on my own, me telling him come to the new house with me, him telling me he will never go there he will go back to the farm him telling me to come to the farm with him, me telling him no I would never do that  I never liked it there- a recurring dream or nightmare almost every night ----   me finally realizing we will never be together again ----                                                                                    Another nightmare I often have is me being so angry at him, reliving all the times during out marriage of out most awful fights and arguments me actually physically attacking him, hitting him, beating up on him during these dreams, me telling myself that is how I am handling my grief by being angry with him I can't miss him if  i just stay angry with him, I cannot do that either  otherwise how would our marriage have lasted for 48 years with me being angry all that time ?  How could I miss him and still cry over him, love him if I am angry with him ?   I am hoping a time will come soon that I can go back to having normal dreams  a time when I can dream of him and be happy with him in these dreams, we had plenty and many happy times while he was alive hopefully I can soon dream of those times again.  No more being angry and upset with each other  just happy together.     SOON !!                                                                                                                                                              Now when I wake up every morning the first two things I look at are his picture on the nightstand, me telling him "Good Morning My Love, I miss you !!  the other is an oil painting of our home that we shared for 30 years, when we first built the house, the budget was tight. one day there came a knock on the door and a young man had aerial photos of our home, now mind you this was way before everything was computer generated, he explained they flew over homes took photos brought them to the respective homes they took pictures of and had oil paintings made of these homes, of course just like your child's school photos we had to have one, the price- $300.00 for a 24X24 oil painting, to us at that time the price was outrageous but we thought we would have it for a lifetime, we took money out of our landscaping budget to purchase it and this is what I now see every morning hanging in my bedroom.  A good investment, a very good memory !! I then turn back to his picture and tell him about my dreams or nightmares  I argue with him, I yell at him all this while I am crying for him to take me in his arms and comfort me, then reality sets in and I tell him  "Time to face another day without you, what fresh hell awaits me today dear?"                                                                                         I have always been a bad sleeper due to nightmares there were times during my marriage where I would actually wake up crying and sobbing calling his name  he would always tell me "You're just having a nightmare honey, it's ok I'm here now, go back to sleep, it's ok"  always hugging me and comforting me till I fell back to sleep, I have been plagued with these night terrors again lately, the last one was rough I kept calling him and woke up realizing he cannot and will never  be there for me again,  another tearful and sleepless night for me.                                                                                        I do know the day will come- that night when bedtime comes- this time I will dream of the time we first met, how we fell in love with each other, discovering one another,  our dating times together how we planned on spending our lives together, forever, our hopes, our dreams, all the happy times during our young and foolish days together  such a good and wonderful dream but this time I will never wake up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing again.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

A NEW LIFE - REBORN

                    Hello, It's been quite awhile since I have written a post, even thought about writing but today I had to, you will see why.  It has been 9 months today since you left me, so you know what that means ?  You are going to be reborn today, who knows it may have already happened or is yet to come but it will be today, you will begin this all over again only you will not remember me or your loved ones from your former life. We will forever mourn and miss you but you will never ever have a glimmer of us, how unfair is that ?   Is this the real thing, there's no escape from reality, open your mind and see (Queen)  that is what I will do today, open my mind to this new possibility. I woke up at 2am thinking about this new mind blowing reality? and knew I had to somehow try to get it from this weird and odd mind of mine to paper. So here I go again am I losing touch with reality, gone over the edge ?  who knows you can be the judge here.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Yeppers so here we go, on the day you died you were conceived in someone else's womb to grow for 9 months and today is the day, sure this new mom might have been told you were due a week ago, a few days ago maybe but you knew, now is the time for you to start anew, born again,  I wish I could be there to guide you along as I did in this life but you have to go it alone. I hope you have the same beautiful green eyes, that beautiful smile and that boisterous laugh you were blessed with when you were here with us.  I have heard it said when you "come back in your next life" that it will be better than your former one, I do know you will never find more love than you received from this life.  I hope you will be blessed with kind parents and not abused, I hope you find a happy childhood like you had here, I hope you are a loving and caring husband and father as you were here too, who knows what this new life will bring you,  Fame, Riches, Better Health, I do believe better health will be a top priority because of your rough go of it with this lifetime. I do know that I will never seek you out, look for you perhaps see a resemblance of you somewhere in this time, but I would not approach you, you see if  I thought it was you I could and would never go through that heartbreak again, so I will just go on with the rest of this life I have here on this earth in my time and remember you and love you till the end.  I still think somehow we will meet again and go thru eternity together but break away from each other too, as with death, we will be apart but only for awhile then we will be rejoined and reunited again I do believe this cycle will continue forever. Together, apart, together, apart  and on and on and on.....................                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So thats it folks, my way of thinking, odd or what?  Leave me some feedback on your perspective of your way of thinking, are you as weird and odd as me or is this our reality ? I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!     That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER

         I can remember the first time I heard this song, it was on a warm summer night in chicago as a matter of fact on 57th & Union, I was maybe seven or eight, the teenagers in my neighborhood would gather in front of my house and dance the night away, we kids would sit on our front porches and watch the girls in their poodle skirts, scarves around their necks, and those sadddle shoes, the boys with their slicked back hair cut like Elvis dancing away to the stroll, the jitterbug, the Lindy Hop, the Cha-Cha, and I believe the twist was just starting too. I never knew where the music came from maybe somebody's car radio, I don't think the transistor radio was around yet, I could be wrong, maybe someone had a record player hooked up somehow, I didn't really care as long as we could sit and watch them dance, I studied all those moves thinking when I became a teenager how I would do just the same thing as them, little did I know practically all those dance moves would be long gone by the time my teenage years rolled around. Not many breaks were taken during these dance sessions but when they were they would always be drinking their bottles of coke or pepsi and taking drags and sharing cigarettes. Oh ! what wonderful memories I had of those summer nights. Unfortunately we kids were called in about 9pm on dance nights but laying in my bed on those nights I could still hear the music wafting through my open window along with a nice cool breeze.                                                   I guess this song came to mind as I looked at my profile picture on facebook this morning of me and my beloved. Looking at his shoulder and remembering how it was always there to rest my head upon and give me the greatest of comfort. Whenever I needed a place to cry on, receive a nice warming hug, comfort, ease of stress, even joy, I could rely on that shoulder to be there for me. Oh sweet jesus how I miss that shoulder and that man that provided those things for me. Believe me there is no comfort in death for the ones left behind, only grief, sorrow and many tears. My Al shared those shoulders too, with his friends and family even strangers he came to know could rely on those shoulders, he was a real ATLAS. Some men are known for their strength, qualities, endurance and generousness he was able to provide them all plus more. His endurance for pain was immeasurable, he suffered but my shoulder was there for him then.                                                                                      When Al and I started to date we shared the same likeness for this particular song too. Some excerpts from the song  "maybe you and I will fall in love", boy did we ever for over 50 years we were blessed with that love.  "People say that loves a game"  yes it is but so is life, unfortunately he lost that game way too young in my opinion, some say he had a good life, yes I agree with that but for me it just wasn't long enough.  "Tell me that you love me too". I did and I always will my sweet man. This song was also a favorite of my Aunt Lou's I can remember that about her and I singing it together when I was young.  So Thank You Paul Anka for bringing that particular song to my life. I love and miss you desperately my sweet man !!!  That is all for today my "SPECIAL READERS"  Ta-Ta  for now !!